Cards Against Humanity: Aisha Tyler, Laina Morris, & Ali Spagnola Join Wil on TableTop S03E10

Cards Against Humanity: Aisha Tyler, Laina Morris, & Ali Spagnola Join Wil on TableTop S03E10

Cards Against Humanity: Aisha Tyler, Laina Morris, & Ali Spagnola Join Wil on TableTop

Hi everybody, as you likely know, we work very hard at tabletop to ensure that this is a show everyone can watch and this season, especially I’ve, made a big effort to keep our episodes as family-friendly as possible, because I want something that kids and parents can enjoy Together well, that said, I have to begin today with a very important disclaimer. You don’t want to watch this episode of tabletop. This episode of tabletop will be offensive to everyone. It will be rude, it will be an exceedingly poor taste and it will be outrageously profane if you are sensitive or offended by anything. We at tabletop encourage you to find one of our other episodes to watch or go find something else to do entirely like maybe go play a game for those of you who have not been scared off a further warning.

This episode is profoundly not-safe-for-work. It is incredibly not safe for children now that I’ve driven away all the nice people welcome to tabletop after dark as part of our third season crowdfunding campaign. We promise to make an episode featuring the most deliberately offensive and filthy game I have ever played. You asked for it, so this is your fault today, on tabletop, Aisha, Tyler, Alvey, Spagnola and Lena Morris are here to find out which one of us is truly the most horrible person as we play cards against humanity’ [, Music, ], [, Music ] cards against humanity’ Is a satirical communication party game designed by a demon who lives in Dick Cheney’s, [, __ ] on every turn, we will draw a black card that has a question printed on it. Then every other player will pull a white card out of their hand.

That has an answer to that question. For example, what’s that smell dead babies, chunks of dead, hitchhiker, farting and walking away or Christopher Walken, someone gets a point when their card is chosen, we all laugh and the game continues. I don’t know why we’re still sitting here. I’M pretty sure you know how the game works. So, let’s just [ __ ] play it.

It’S cards against humanity’, I’m Ally, Spagnola, I’m a musician and comedian. My name is Lena. I am also known as the overly attached girlfriend hey. My name is aja taylor. I’M a nagger author comedian TV show host [, __ ].

We have to agree on some house rules before we begin you could play with Rando or the Box gets a gets one of these every time or not. We also could agree that you take draw two and pick the one that you like just a cycle more things through okay, great the two card, very says that you pull two question cards at the beginning of return, pick the one that you like and put the Other one back, we’ve chosen: oh it’s a series of complicated mathematical equations lovers and engineering devices. We’Ve decided that I’ll be the first judge. Oh okay, okay! So let’s go with this one, all right.

What would grandma find disturbing? Yet, oddly charming [ Music ], something that goes in her vagina, maybe grandmother. I hope that I’m still putting things in my vagina right – I don’t want to be. I don’t want that part of my life to end right. You know a grandmother, I hope my kids.

Never watch this by the time you have grandkids. This will be the tama staff ensive thing they’ve ever seen, yeah. So true, yeah, like eight girls, a half a cup disturbing, yet oddly charming boring, vaginal sex. She would find that disturbing. Yet, oddly charming because she’s still getting it right, a face full of horse [, __, ] disturbing.

Yet oddly charming anal fissures, like you, wouldn’t believe we are off to exactly the right kind of start in this particular game. I think that grandma finds disturbing at oddly charming a face full of horse [ __ ], with anal fissures being a very, very, very close, second, all right by the way, apparently great for your complexion horse [, __ ]. Yes, when you’re this wealthy, you can buy your horse [ __ ] on that market. Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s worse all right.

I am very concerned my mother’s going to watch this episode. Uh-Huh. She she’s very conservative, as I used to be, and not anymore, [, Music, ]. Okay, all right! I’Ve got it all right.

Okay! Here we go yeah. What don’t you want to find in your cone? Pao chicken you want. Are you it’s not funny?

Here we go. What don’t you want to find in your kung pao chicken, the black half of Barack Obama? Right? I don’t know why I’m the one getting all the race cards, but here we go. Forty acres and a mule table top is racist and finally, my boyfriend’s stupid penis.

I felt like any of these things in my company know I would be like hey. You know. I’Ve been looking for the black half of Barack Obama for a while yeah 40 acres of them you’re like finally and my boyfriend stupid penis. Well, you know that would be the most upsetting yeah I mean I you know I’d. Rather it was still attached to his body right, so I think it has to be stupid, penis, which strike that’s just heartbreaking.

If you find your voice against penis in your kung pao chicken, my boyfriend’s dick, is so stupid because he allowed it to be on the table. While someone was chopping up, the kung pao chicken. So if there’s two blanks, then you guys put two down. Sometimes it says like draw to play one or something: yeah yeah patient presents with blank likely result of blank okay, so we have to put two cards down, though I believe in you first card yeah, okay. So if you come back, you can look again now, because I’m just I’m still just doing that patient presents with ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry.

Hey, that’s terrible, most likely result of figuring out how to have sex with a dolphin. We all know that you die, you know really weird. Yes, I used to I used to be on writers, room and the writers room. All you do is talk about penises and vaginas yeah, and so apparently, if you have sex with a dolphin, the ejaculate comes out of the penis so quickly, there’s it’s so voluminous and it comes out so fast that it will like blow out your gums. Oh that’s interesting because I had sort of consider.

I figure that if sex was gon na happen between me and a dolphin that I was gon na, be the top I’m pretty uncomfortable and I feel like maybe I’m being punked patient presents with backwards knees likely a result of slowly easing down onto a cucumber. That would make a nice turn backward patients with a mouthful of potato salad likely a result of these Nutting B’s for sure, because it would sting. I don’t think points matter at all in cards against humanity’. The idea is just to make each other laugh and occasionally make everybody go. Oh that was really deep.

You made me think about the Virginia Tech massacre, all right. What’S making things awkward in the sauna all right, dick fingers, dick fingers are making it awkward in the sauna when you fart and a little bit comes out sauna and in the blackface. This is all the same guy farting guy with dick fingers in blackface yeah. I hate to be like 12, but I think that’s perfect. I really wanted to make you say blackface, because I thought it would just make you so in terms I’m bleeding what how’d you cut yourself.

Cards against humanity’ is a very intense game and you know I just I went for it and I put a hundred percent into the game and you know sometimes you make sacrifices to win all right pay attention at home boys. Ladies, what will always get you laid yeah yeah, a vagina, all right. What will always get you laid whoot, stout, [, __, ] yeah? Well, what will always get you laid licking things to claim them as your own yeah? What will always get you?

That’S true, yeah guys, I’m gon na tell you the truth. Now. This is the way that you will always get laid. You got ta lick things and claim them as your own [, Music ]. What were you rigged?

That would stop trying to go with the brand affinities. Answer was Denzel, so we’re learning a little bit about you, I don’t know, can I hold on to one Felicia? Can yeah okay uh here is the church. Here is a steeple open the door and there is the blank I want to get the Irishman to bring bourbon here. Hey, I think I’m gon na try him what’s the point of having Irishmen and your entourage they’re only good for booze everybody look away.

While I look at my phone Hollywood, [ __ ] looks at her phone during a game of tabletop yeah. Alright, here we go we’re not having a good time, I’m so confident in this card. Here. Here’S the church, here’s the steeple over the doors and there is unrelenting genital punishment again funny, but also potentially true, depending on the church that you’re over the church. Here’S the steeple open the doors and there is an uninterrupted history of imperialism and exploitation.

Again. Here’S the church, here’s the steeple over the doors and there is [ __ ] for everyone. I would like to be a member of you. I am coming and I’m also coming yeah yeah [ Music ]. I could’ve told you celebrate those the angry over dead enemy.

All right, I don’t need to brag, but they call me the Michael Jordan of blank. What is wrong with you? People, I don’t mean to brag, but they call me the Michael Jordan of fiery poops. They call me the Michael Jordan of puberty, what like a great middle school experience. I don’t mean to brag, but they call me the Michael Jordan of a whole new kind of porn.

Look at how intently you’re like I can see. You are shooting lasers and you’re, trying we’re trying to. I mean right the card, I’m beginning to think that maybe the demon with whom Lena made the pact to become so successful and popular on the Internet has decided to assert itself today, I’m very competitive, I’m very confident right now and I’m pretty sure, I’m gon na Just like dominate this whole game, so come on Hollywood seriously. It’S coming really. It’S got a whole crew full of people that could bring us booze yeah.

I asked so many times I burst into tears. I flashed my titties has booze shown up. It has not. Maybe you didn’t do it [ Laughter, ], [, Music, ] goddamn. I love Western standards of beauty.

Now, I’m Chris Rock her at the Academy for gifted children. We allow students to explore child abuse. I think that was burned. Ladies and gentlemen, alcohol has arrived and I’m looking fine. This is my friend Dean Dean and Emmett brought us booze, say hi to America all right.

Thank you. So much. Thank you to Friendship, never [, __, ], [, Laughter, ]. We won’t tell anyone you’re, not really drinking its water. Irish boys pull it together.

[ __, ], [, __ ] act like your mom, can’t was gon na, say something [ __ ] awful all right, don’t start now, Cato’s all right today, on Maury help. My son is blank, oh boy, all right today, on Maury help, my son is fingering. This is the worst day of your life help. My son is a mime having a stroke. That is quite the problem.

That is a problem help my son is God. Well, I don’t think you need hello that I think you asked for [ __ ]. You are not the father. I think you’re like hey, like let’s manifest some [ __ ] yeah God. What are you thinking?

I’M gon na go in fingering? No, I just funny. Isn’T, oh, this is great. Do you lack energy? Does it sometimes feel like the whole world?

Is blank Zoloft, [, Music ]? What are you doing? Wait? Do you like energy? Does it sometimes feel like the whole world is saying I love you zoloft?

Well, that’s just real thinker yeah. Do you lack energy? Does it sometimes feel like the whole world is helplessly giggling at the mention of hoot Susan tootsies, so huh, it’s also just real. That’S just some real [ __ ]. Do you lack energy?

Does it sometimes feel like the whole world is feeling a boner good dog? This is my [ __ ] world. This is my house. This is my [ __ ] happy really desert. Thank you.

I’M keeping that one three four, five, six! Seven, eight nine ten eleven! If we were playing by official rules, you’ve won the game. Okay. Why don’t we see if we’re playing by official rules?

What is the terminus to this game and bio terminus will be all alive by other people. Ladies and gentlemen, the question is: why am i sticking? Why I want it? That’S why you’re sticky there’s a lot of really good reasons that you know? Oh there’s, one good reason, and that will be winning this round.

Why am i sticky a trump card in any card game as a card that always wins and in cards against humanity’? It’S just something that is hilarious to the judge, so you play it whenever you can, even if it’s not fanatically appropriate. Why am i sticky a giant powdery man baby? Why am i sticky Giants from outer space at the end of the movie? No we’re just gon na play down the deck right, yeah we’re not that far just to make a feeling played before the intro.

What’S the card during sex, I like to think about blank. Oh, Oh funny, Wow, that’s kinda! Weird! Now I’m gon na feel weird. When I do yeah well, you will you.

Can you gave me a very generous forum, so don’t be a [ __ ] during sex? I like to think about Joe Biden think about him in those sunglasses. I would think that would be a really good way to prevent you. Ejaculating will be to think about Joe. I like to think about oil.

I think like exclamation points, but I don’t think it makes a point see it’s good, I’m shallow! That’S why? Okay during sex, I like to think about I’m currently pacman underwear, no Wow proof, you’re, [, __, ] rock star! Excuse me: pac-man is sexy. Okay, I just gained like tons of fans by doing that it was a good idea mom.

So just stop watching mmm hi. This is Jim from accounting. We noticed a $ 1200 charge labeled blank. Can you explain? Oh god.

I hope this is another good setup in general, like yeah, right, uh hi. This is Jim from accounting. We noticed a $ 1200 charge, labeled white man scalps. Can you explain company cars? Look scalps are the most expensive scalp.

It’S true lawyer huevos, a SuperSoaker full of cat pee. Can you loot wine taken a Hitler Friday? It’S totally self explanatory yeah. We noticed this $ 1,200, don’t waste it. We noticed a $ 20 charge labeled, Michael Jackson.

I don’t think it’s because you loved that. That’S you don’t think I laugh at my own partner. I know that it may seem like I’ve given up, but I’m actually trying really hard. So, okay get ready for the movie of the summer. One cop plays by the book, the other one’s only interested.

In one thing, [ __ ], Michael Jackson, get ready for the movie of the summer. One cop plays by the book the other one’s interested in only one thing – Clinton one cop plays by the book, the other ones, only interested in one thing wearing glasses and sounding smart. What actually? You are going, fifty five point, six miles an hour. A laser radar tells me what your speed was get ready for this movie of the summer.

One cop plays by the book, the other one’s only interested in one thing old people smell. Can someone named this movie one cop plays by the book, the other ones, only interested in one thing, good, cop, sniff cop here badly about this snow, all right, look, I’m a comedian and any comedian cares most deeply about getting laughs. You can ask a comedian. How did you do in the Starbucks and he’ll go I cracked up the barista. Did you get coffee?

I don’t know where my coffee is. I’M thirsty. I have a headache. I’M sure it has to do with caffeine withdrawal, but I cracked up the [ __ ] barista and that’s what matters here we go. I like your read so much.

I’M gon na do a funny read to do. They do with our most extreme flavor, yet ready for Mountain Dew Blanc. Oh I’m so flower. I like this one. I don’t even like myself anymore.

That was terrible. You guys are you going to read all of them like that again? Yes, please, I’m gon na do a sexy read, do it look at aggro read and I’m gon na do like an old guy. Read: okay babe! Do the dew with our most extreme flavor, yet get ready for Mountain Dews darlin like a lack of freedom and breadline?

Oh so blueberry yeah, it tastes like you, haven’t, had toilet paper since 1979. All right here we go. This is a grow rate. Here we go huh, do the do what I most extreme flavor yet get ready for mountain to a disappointing salary. I want you to read everyone from how an old man old man write like old, but like serious, like bond movie man, oh, like a bond Vaughn villain, yes yeah, do they do with our most extreme flavor, yet gets ready for Mountain Dew ebo.

Now, with extra infectious material get ready to bleed from your vagina, ladies and gentlemen, whatever ragic, do you want me to talk? No, Mr Bond, I want you to die like that’s how I want to die. Oh Ebola, Wow! Thank you. It took me the whole.

There are people here they can hear you saying that, like that’s how I want to die: okay, spicy, dick milk, that’s how I want to die the way, that’s the greatest card ever. I just want to say that for the record, who wrote that one? I will tell you this place. Okay, this story. You know you’ve heard this story, Dallas, that’s how I want to die.

That is the best hand we’ve played as a team yeah who was pulling out those. It was really close, oh and explain a short version of this story. All right, I had to put down sod in my front yard and I came up the next day and my sod was pulled up all over the place. So I went out and I patted it all back down and the next morning the same thing. It happens that crop circles in your house.

Yes, I asked one of my neighbors if they knew what was going on and he said it’s probably skunks. So he said to just go: get like a big thing of red, chili, pepper flakes and then sprinkle them all over the perimeter of your yard and they don’t like the way it smells and they like and they go away. So I did that right. So I’m basically it’s like sewing these things all over the place and I go into the house and I go in because I have to key and as I am finishing up peeing, my brain goes: hey dude your dicks on fire. So I panic uh-huh, which is a thing that happens when you find out that your dick is on fire right yeah.

I remembered that I had heard somewhere that if you have spicy food, that if you drink milk, it makes it not burn so much like soot yeah. So I pulled my son’s favorite smiley face cup out of the government and I pour milk into his happy face cup, and then I put my dick into the cup of milk, and this kind of needs are basically standing in the kitchen like this. No, it’s Mike. Do you want me to use your cup? No, I’ve got my own cup and it’s not working, so I’m basically like doing this in the cup and I’m trying to like get it to like somehow make the spicy part not be so spicy and it’s just hurting.

And it’s all over my balls. And now it’s running down my legs and not only does my dick not stop burning. Now I have a cup that is full of spicy, dick milk. Yes, looking off into my happy place and not around drink, that’s not that’s not happy! My son, oh there’s more yeah, so no, I can’t believe you used my favorite cup and you never told me, and I said I’m really sorry.

You had to find out this way drinking out of that [ __ ] dick! Oh thanks for another 10 years. So what a move! But when he and his girlfriend moved into their house together, I gave it to him as a housewarming gift, because I know how much you talk about the fact parenting that we’ve been fighting all night for who’s, worse human and it’s clearly Wil Wheaton, I win. Well.

I win, but after me you win. Shall we count our cards? Let’S count our cards, one, two, three, four: five, six, seven, eight! I’M sorry hang on. We have to change media in the cameras really 11.

12. Some left! I could come back. I have tension. 14.

Okay, how many cards you have Allie, not that many shell him math is hard math is tough. Math is very heaven. I have half as many as how many cards you have later. Is that right? Well, that’s right!

You’Re, very smart! I, like your underwear too. I, like literally, why come on now keep going four five six don’t get hurt. This collusion will not stain and by the way, even together, you can’t beat me nine and if you put all your cards together, I will wrestle you eleven twelve. You put eighteen, forty, nothing lying mother, seventeen, eighteen, twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three!

Twenty-Four twenty-five vast right-wing conspiracy against black people, I can count your bad. There was a black president. Listen! I think it’s great that you want, but it’s I think, it’s time that a nice thing happened to a white person in America, Frank, I for one say maybe great the white guy won no yeah. Actually, that’s true one to put them in your mouth and roll them around like marbles.

I think that we should all go to the losers lounge because I think we’re all terrible terrible winners. Lounge and you know, what’s going to the losers – lounge [, Music ]. Now we all sort of won at being horrible because, as we saw, human decency actually lost, but in a strict winning the game, sort of sense, Ayesha ran away with it so well we’re all winners. Ayesha is a winner in a more meaningful way and you get the tabletop trophy of us. I am the [ __ ] east of all the [ __ ].

Let me put your name on it: okay, by the way your engravings, you want to make a victory speech go, ladies and gentlemen. Everything you’ve seen here tonight was an act. I’M a lovely person. I like puppies. I give money to homeless people.

I once had sex with someone, because I feel sorry for them. That was a gift, I’m vagina smell the flowers and I love you good night thanks so much for enduring this episode. Remember you don’t get to complain about it. That was the deal we’ll see you next time on tabletop play more games. I guess I didn’t agree to this [ Music ].

That is the best thing that anybody has ever done in television or in ER television or interwebs evision.

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