Dragon Age: Chris Hardwick, Kevin Sussman, and Sam Witwer on TableTop, episode 19 pt. 1

Dragon Age: Chris Hardwick, Kevin Sussman, and Sam Witwer on TableTop, episode 19 pt. 1

Dragon Age: Chris Hardwick, Kevin Sussman, and Sam Witwer on TableTop

In 1983, I played my first role playing game and my life was fundamentally changed. For the rest of my childhood and through all of my teens, I built entire worlds and told epic stories using nothing but my imagination and some weird looking dice. In my 20s, I got married and I raised a family. Life was good, but my newfound responsibilities didn’t leave a whole lot of time for gaming. Well, today on “TableTop,” I am going back to my roots.

I’ve asked my friends Chris Hardwick, Sam Witwer, Kevin Sussman, and award-winning game designer Chris Pramas to come over and play a role playing game just like the ones we played when we were kids. Roll for initiative– we’re playing “Dragon Age.” [MUSIC PLAYING] WIL WHEATON: This is an example of a classic pen and paper role playing game that lets players explore the world of Thedas from Bioware’s award-winning “Dragon Age Origins” and “Dragon Age II.” There are three things you need to know.

One, we are Grey Wardens in the land of Ferelden.

Second thing you need to know is that whenever we have to resolve a conflict, we will roll three dice. If we roll doubles on these dice, we will get to do something called a stunt. Just how cool that stunt is is determined by the dragon die. The last thing you need to know, I love this game. It is awesome.

Everything we need to know about our characters is on two pieces of paper. We’re doing this old school– no minis, no maps. Everything happens in our imagination. Get ready for “Dragon Age.” KEVIN SUSSMAN: My name is Kevin Sussman.

I sometimes am on that show “The Big Bang Theory.” CHRIS HARDWICK: My name is Chris Hardwick. I run a thing called, “Nerdist.” I host shows and I do stand-up comedy. SAM WITWER: I’m Sam Witwer and I’m an actor.

I am starring in a show called “Being Human.” CHRIS PRAMAS: My name is Chris Pramas. I’m a game designer, writer, and publisher. And I designed the “Dragon Age” tabletop role playing game which we’re playing today.

WIL WHEATON: I think that it would probably be useful for you watching at home to know a little bit about our characters so you can immediately choose your favorite and who you’re going to cheer for.

So I’ll go ahead and start. My name is Gorik Dunharg and I am a service dwarf warrior. And though I say out loud, [BLEEP] those guys that live in a hole in the ground, it’s terrible, I really just want to go home. And then I tug my beard. CHRIS HARDWICK: He’s the sweetest little service dwarf.

Look at this little service dwarf. WIL WHEATON: And who are you? CHRIS HARDWICK: My character’s name is Fonzor. He’s the Dragon Age version of Fonzie. He’s a human circle mage.

And his robe is actually a black leather robe. And he casts a lot of spells by hitting things, much in the way Fonzie did in Milwaukee in the 1960s. CHRIS PRAMAS: I think every group has a player like Chris, who is going to pretty much throw a little monkey wrench into your plans by deciding to, say, put Fonzie into “Dragon Age.” CHRIS HARDWICK: Oh, also he has [BLEEP] everyone in Ferelden.


CHRIS PRAMAS: So you’ve really embraced the dark fantasy of Dragon Age. CHRIS HARDWICK: I want to put the fantasy back in dark fantasy. So Fonzor, that’s my character. WIL WHEATON: Cool. Kevin, who are you?

KEVIN SUSSMAN: I’m a city elf. My name is Thinli. I had an arranged wedding to another elvish person. A woman. But that’s kind of immaterial.

We were going home after the ceremony. This person was rushing in a horse-driven cart and ran over my brand-new bride. And I was so enraged at this– and I’m really not that kind of an elf– but I was so enraged that my bride was struck that I grabbed the wooden wheel of the thing, and it crashed my hand.

And so I have really a bad hand. CHRIS PRAMAS: You seek justice?

KEVIN SUSSMAN: No, not justice. I seek vengeance. CHRIS PRAMAS: Vengeance. All right. WIL WHEATON: Sam, tell us about your character.

SAM WITWER: Keegan is a human warrior. He’s 6 foot 3. He’s basically the high school football player of Grey Warden initiates. In fact, his long black hair, when he was taking ax class, it kept getting in his face, so he’s cut it short except for the back. WIL WHEATON: Wait.

Does he have a mullet? SAM WITWER: Well, he doesn’t know that.

But he has a mullet. CHRIS HARDWICK: It is a practical haircut. SAM WITWER: Look, it’s a practical haircut.

CHRIS PRAMAS: That’s brave of you to admit. SAM WITWER: He’s also slightly racist. CHRIS HARDWICK: Is he from the Ferelden equivalent of Alabama? As you’ve described him so far. SAM WITWER: Yeah, basically.

WIL WHEATON: He’s from the southern hills. SAM WITWER: That’s right.

WIL WHEATON: Very far south. CHRIS PRAMAS: I love that before I even presented the plot of the game that these guys were just off with their characters. CHRIS HARDWICK: Can I change one thing?

WIL WHEATON: Yeah, sure. CHRIS HARDWICK: I feel like Fonzor has not [BLEEP] everyone. Because we never saw Fonzie [BLEEP] anyone. WIL WHEATON: That was certainly implied. SAM WITWER: Hold on for a second.

Yeah, he had his arm around two women. CHRIS HARDWICK: He made out with a lot of people. So I think that’s what it is. I think his one weak spot is that during a melee he might run off to try to make out with someone because he can’t help it.

SAM WITWER: Whereas Keegan absolutely has slept with anyone he could get his hands on.

KEVIN SUSSMAN: Thinli remains a virgin. CHRIS HARDWICK: What?! SAM WITWER: We have to consummate. CHRIS HARDWICK: We have to get Thinli laid in this.

That’s part of the– I wish I could just cast a spell and be like, no more virginity. I don’t have that’s spell yet. I’m only a low-level mage at this point. Some day. So this is the ’80s road trip campaign.

We’re going to get him laid. You’re trying to make up for the football thing. SAM WITWER: Right. CHRIS HARDWICK: I’m just trying to make out with chicks and cast some spells.

WIL WHEATON: And I just want to go home.

Tug the beard. SAM WITWER: OK. So we’re all trying to be Grey Wardens, right? Are we training somewhere? CHRIS PRAMAS: So you have all been recruited by Duncan, who is the leader of the Grey wardens.

In Ferelden. If you survive, then you go through something called the Joining, and that’s what makes you into a real Grey Warden. But right now– SAM WITWER: That happen in a room with Duncan, and no one talks about it. CHRIS HARDWICK: Hey, you want to do the Joining? WIL WHEATON: Speaking of dark fantasies– CHRIS PRAMAS: Duncan wants you to know that this blight is his last mission before he retires.

CHRIS HARDWICK: Oh, it’s his last job before retirement. CHRIS PRAMAS: I’m sure that he’s going to survive that just fine though. CHRIS HARDWICK: He’s too old for this [BLEEP]. CHRIS PRAMAS: Yeah, he is.

CHRIS HARDWICK: Is there a Mrs.

Duncan at home that’s waiting for a pension? CHRIS PRAMAS: There is not. So you guys are making breakfast. Duncan looks a little concerned. And he says, “I received a message in the night.

And our plans must change a little bit.” SAM WITWER: By what manner did you receive this message, Duncan? WIL WHEATON: Was it a raven? CHRIS PRAMAS: If you gain more experience in the Grey Wardens, you may discover– CHRIS HARDWICK: Magic text. Cell phone?

KEVIN SUSSMAN: Can I do a smell check? CHRIS PRAMAS: A smell check? SAM WITWER: I don’t think you’re going to be able to smell much over the dwarf. KEVIN SUSSMAN: Well, that way I could smell if there was a horse, a messenger on horse. CHRIS PRAMAS: Oh, I see.

Yes, if you’d like to. KEVIN SUSSMAN: Initially I had a sense of sight. But I was reading the manual, and I noticed that one of the special abilities that you can have is smelling. CHRIS PRAMAS: All right, so that’s a perception smelling test. It normally is a focus that’s reserved for animals or creatures or things like that.

KEVIN SUSSMAN: At first I was like, smelling, who would ever choose smelling? And then I was thinking, well, actually smelling. Smelling. What am I doing? CHRIS HARDWICK: That’d be plus four.

CHRIS PRAMAS: That’d be two for your perception. You get another two because you have the smelling focus. KEVIN SUSSMAN: Can’t we just ask, Duncan, why do I have to do this smell check? WIL WHEATON: That’s a good question. You received a message in the night?

CHRIS PRAMAS: I did receive a message in the night. As a Grey Warden, we have many abilities.

Let us leave it at that. The important thing is that I must return to the tower of the Circle of Magi. But our task that was taking us in the other direction still needs to be completed.

So I’m tasking you four with taking that on. WIL WHEATON: Challenge accepted. CHRIS PRAMAS: All right. Good. CHRIS HARDWICK: (A LA FONZIE) He-e-ey– WIL WHEATON: All right, so Gorik gathers his stuff and he begins to walk in the direction that we were all headed.

Is anybody following him? CHRIS PRAMAS: Gorik, would you like to know the mission? WIL WHEATON: Yes.

Yes, tell me the mission please. What’s the mission?

CHRIS PRAMAS: So I need you to go to a village called Green Thorn. WIL WHEATON: Green Thorn. CHRIS PRAMAS: Yes, it’s between the imperial highway in Orzammar, basically in the foothills of the Frostback Mountains. You are to go to Green Thorn, go to an inn called the Queen’s Boot. WIL WHEATON: Queen’s Boot.

CHRIS PRAMAS: And you are to meet a man named Aldric Lepoint and his party. Lepoint is a leader of the Grey Wardens of Orlais.

So you need to escort him to the Lake Calenhad docks, which is right here. WIL WHEATON: Oh, right. Lake Calenhad docks, right up here.

CHRIS PRAMAS: Yes. I will meet you there and then we will travel on to Denerim, where Aldric and I will meet with the king to discuss the possibility of a blight to the south. SAM WITWER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, a possibility. You’re saying there’s a blight going on to the south? CHRIS PRAMAS: Well, we don’t know.

There have been reports about dark spawn activity that could indicate a blight. But we are not certain. SAM WITWER: And we have no one to the south? CHRIS PRAMAS: Not right now. SAM WITWER: So is this Aldric guy a human?

CHRIS PRAMAS: He is human. SAM WITWER: OK, good. WIL WHEATON: I know Sam really well. He’s very kind. He’s very soft spoken.

I’m a little surprised at how easy it’s been for him to slip into this guy who’s kind of a [BLEEP]. CHRIS PRAMAS: There are very few full Grey Wardens in Ferelden right now. OK. So you guys set off. Duncan says, “I should be at the docks starting four days from now.

I will wait until you arrive.” WIL WHEATON: Great. Four days, see you then. CHRIS PRAMAS: All right. CHRIS HARDWICK: I’m hoping that we will get to root out whatever this blight is before it destroys the entire realm.

So that Fonzor can just hit it and be like, he-e-e-ey, no blight. CHRIS PRAMAS: You travel for two days. You go down the imperial highway for some amount of time. And then on the second day, you sort of turn into the foothills. WIL WHEATON: OK.

So we’re near the base of the Frostback Mountains. CHRIS PRAMAS: Yes. So you’re moving through a little valley. It’s getting towards the end of the day.

The sun is setting.

And you guys are looking for somewhere to camp. You can see a bunch of boulders and things. And up from behind a boulder pops up this big guy, beard, battle axe, mail armor. He is obviously an Avar. They are a barbarian tribe kind of related to the Fereldens, but they maintain a lot more of the barbarian part of their heritage.

And so he stands up and puts his axe over his head and says, “I am Forstall Arnithig Ohfrosthold and you are on my road!” WIL WHEATON: So then I call out to him with a mighty grunt and a shaking of my dwarven beard that’s sort of like the Christie Brinkley commercial, but not like– CHRIS HARDWICK: With her giant beard. WIL WHEATON: And it’s raining on me for some reason. And I call out to him, “Be that an Avarian hillsman I spy? Hail, brother!

Come to the road so that we may look upon you.” CHRIS HARDWICK: Oh, boy. SAM WITWER: Oh, jeez. CHRIS HARDWICK: We’re going to get [BLEEP] killed. CHRIS PRAMAS: I am not your brother, dwarf.

You are on my road. You must pay for the privilege of passing.

SAM WITWER: I want to use my tracking ability to just start taking a look around to see if there’s any evidence of others hiding besides this guy. CHRIS PRAMAS: Yeah. SAM WITWER: I’m usually the guy running the game.

Playing as a player is a new thing to me. It’s fun. It’s nice to be along for the ride rather than having to run everything. CHRIS PRAMAS: You can see there’s been some activity in this area. There are what looks like some tracks going up and down.

SAM WITWER: Up and down, like up the hill? CHRIS PRAMAS: Mm-hmm. SAM WITWER: OK. KEVIN SUSSMAN: We need to do a smell check. SAM WITWER: Do it!

KEVIN SUSSMAN: Smelling– because you don’t have to be looking in a particular direction, something is poisoned, or if there are tracks but you don’t know what kind of animal.

Smelling. CHRIS PRAMAS: You smell like a mix of sweat and stale ale and that sort of thing, which you’d expect of the Avars. You’re getting a hint of something else that you have never smelled before. He says, “Look, there are 12 bows pointed at you right now.

So why don’t you unload your money, drop your weapons, be on your way. No one needs to get killed today.” CHRIS HARDWICK: I don’t even have anything to give this guy. SAM WITWER: Have the courage, sir, to show us your bows if you’re going to threaten us with them. And I start screaming that.

Huh? Anyone? Any takers? CHRIS PRAMAS: OK. Make another round of perception shakes please.


WIL WHEATON: Wow, way to go elf. CHRIS PRAMAS: You hear kind of a, “ughf” sort of noise coming from up the slope. KEVIN SUSSMAN: Guys, I heard a something like an, “ughf” from coming up.

CHRIS HARDWICK: I don’t think there’s 12 people with bows. SAM WITWER: I think you’re exaggerating.

CHRIS PRAMAS: So you’re daring them to come out. SAM WITWER: Yeah. CHRIS HARDWICK: Our oaf will fight your best fighter. SAM WITWER: Hey, hey. That’s fine.

I’ll take it. WIL WHEATON: Who will run Barter Town? SAM WITWER: Meet Max. CHRIS PRAMAS: I like how the oaf part just like went right over your– SAM WITWER: Well, the mullet is covering his ears right now.

CHRIS PRAMAS: So he looks sort of meaningfully to one side of the valley and to the other side of the valley and says, “Show them the Avar way, boys.

” And then waits. And then nothing happens. And he is like, “Come on boys. This isn’t funny.” And he starts stocking towards one of the other rocks.

And then you see this dark form leap into the air and tackle him. And you see a glinting as something is driven into his face. WIL WHEATON: Thank you! CHRIS HARDWICK: We’ll just be on our way. CHRIS PRAMAS: Why don’t you roll initiative for me?

WIL WHEATON: Oh boy! CHRIS PRAMAS: Will, you are at the top of the initiative order. Now that we are in combat, there’s rounds of activity. When you have a turn, you get to make either one minor action and one major action or two minor actions. WIL WHEATON: I think I’m just going to ready.

CHRIS PRAMAS: OK. WIL WHEATON: I have my mace. I have my mace out. And clearly a fights going to happen. Listen, I did not just crawl out of Orzammar yesterday, you guys.

OK. I crawled out of Orzammar, like, 175 years ago. CHRIS HARDWICK: I wish you would fight instead of giving us your backstory. CHRIS PRAMAS: So Keegan. SAM WITWER: I’m going to give other scan to the hills around and make sure there aren’t anymore of these things.

CHRIS PRAMAS: OK. Make a perception check please. SAM WITWER: Nine. CHRIS PRAMAS: OK, you do not see anything. Is that all you want to do?

SAM WITWER: That’s all I can do, I think. CHRIS PRAMAS: All right. Fonzor. SAM WITWER: He-e-e-ey. CHRIS HARDWICK: Because I have really just a leather robe on, can I cast rock armor just to protect myself?

CHRIS PRAMAS: Rock armor is a primal spell, so you get to add your focus for that. CHRIS HARDWICK: OK, great. Oh, [BLEEP]. CHRIS PRAMAS: Is the skull a one or a six? WIL WHEATON: The skull is a one.

CHRIS HARDWICK: OK, so that’s a seven. CHRIS PRAMAS: OK, so you add your magic, and then you add your focus. CHRIS HARDWICK: OK. So my magic is four, so that’s 11, plus my Arcane focus, which is another one? CHRIS PRAMAS: Two.

CHRIS HARDWICK: Two. So 14. No, right? 13. CHRIS PRAMAS: OK, so look under rock armor.

What is the target number listed? CHRIS HARDWICK: 10. CHRIS PRAMAS: 10. All right. So you aced it.

CHRIS HARDWICK: Great. CHRIS PRAMAS: So you should mark off– [GUITAR RIFF] CHRIS HARDWICK: Rock armor! SAM WITWER: My mullet blows in the wind. WIL WHEATON: Yeah, like, what was that? That was amazing.

CHRIS PRAMAS: Yeah, your mullet can feel the power. SAM WITWER: Yeah, exactly. And he can smell it. CHRIS PRAMAS: So out from behind that rock, this dark shape leaps over it and starts loping towards you. It’s a monstrous creature.

It’s got blades strapped to either hand. And it is running towards you. So you guys have had some Grey Warden training, so you realize this is a Shriek, which is a type of dark spawn. CHRIS HARDWICK: Oh man, Shriek are tough. CHRIS PRAMAS: They are stealth and infiltration specialists.

So who is in the front of your little band, is that you? WIL WHEATON: I think it’s me. And I was readying. I was anticipating something like this. I was readying to bash my mace into the face of whatever it is that is coming.

CHRIS PRAMAS: Because you have a prepared action, you can preemptively– WIL WHEATON: Yeah. So I’m going to go ahead and whack it with my mace. And I have a plus 5 to my attack roll. And let’s see what happens here. I scream out, “For Orzammar.

[BLEEP] So I roll a seven, I roll a 12. CHRIS PRAMAS: A 12 is a miss, sir. WIL WHEATON: Awesome. If you see the way that I roll a dice, you will understand that the only way I can have fun in a role playing game is to focus on story instead of rolling ones. So I guess he was just moving too fast for me.

CHRIS PRAMAS: Yes. Well, hey, this is your first encounter with a Shriek.

WIL WHEATON: Shrieks are scary. I’ve heard about them. CHRIS PRAMAS: They are.

Yeah. He is going to attack you with his blades. WIL WHEATON: OK. CHRIS PRAMAS: All righty. So– oh, hey.

He gets a stunt. Woo-hoo! WIL WHEATON: I don’t like the sound of that at all. CHRIS PRAMAS: You get a number of stunt points equal to the dragon die. In this case I rolled a three.

So that means a Shriek gets three stunt points to pull off stunts. And he uses them right away. This is not something that you save. So I look at our little like Chinese menu of stunts, and I decide for three points– WIL WHEATON: Hugs? CHRIS PRAMAS: He’s going to do a skirmish stunt which will knock you back two yards.

And then he’s also going to knock you prone. WIL WHEATON: Ugh, I’m already a dwarf. That’s so rude. That is so rude. CHRIS HARDWICK: You don’t have far to fall.

WIL WHEATON: That’s actually true. You’re absolutely right. Yeah, you know what? I take it back. Go ahead.

Knock me prone. CHRIS PRAMAS: So he leaps in the air and basically punches you with his bladed weapon and sends you sprawling backwards. WIL WHEATON: OK. How much does he hit me for? CHRIS PRAMAS: Well, I’m going to tell you now.

Oh, 10. WIL WHEATON: Oh, it’s all right. No, my beard absorbs five. So he actually only hits me for five.

That takes my health down to 47.

CHRIS PRAMAS: So you guys are kind of riveted by that scene. And so you don’t so much notice when the other Shriek comes up behind you. CHRIS HARDWICK: What the [BLEEP]? CHRIS PRAMAS: And he’s going to attack you, mage. OK, well he didn’t stunt.

So that’s good news for you. So let’s see, 6, 9, 14. WIL WHEATON: Your defense is 12. He hits you. CHRIS PRAMAS: So he hits you.

So now your rock armor, I believe, gives you armor equal to your magic score. CHRIS HARDWICK: Yes. CHRIS PRAMAS: So you’ve got four. So you’re going to subtract four from the damage that I roll which is nine. CHRIS HARDWICK: So five.

CHRIS PRAMAS: Yeah. So you’ll take five. Now, Thinli, it is your turn to go. KEVIN SUSSMAN: OK. There are two things that I need to do.

The first is I need to do another smell check. Can I do that in combat? CHRIS PRAMAS: Yeah. I mean, it can’t hurt to try. KEVIN SUSSMAN: I mean, now I know that the thing that I smelled– CHRIS PRAMAS: Yes, it’s a Ferelden first.

KEVIN SUSSMAN: OK. WIL WHEATON: Oh, nice. CHRIS PRAMAS: You are in sort of the second rank next to him. And you smelled this thing coming. And you sort of turn around in time to see this Shriek sticking him in the back with these claws.

SAM WITWER: And you smell your friend screaming. CHRIS PRAMAS: This is clearly the acrid smell that was on the air. KEVIN SUSSMAN: The smelling is working. I’m able to detect things that other people can’t see. I don’t have to be looking in a particular direction.

It’s not a bad ability. So I’m on this thing’s ass now. CHRIS PRAMAS: So a charge will give you a plus one bonus on your attack roll. CHRIS HARDWICK: Pretend it’s the woman who killed your wife. WIL WHEATON: Yeah, and also pretend you’re smelling him.

KEVIN SUSSMAN: They will egg me on and try to get me to a place emotionally where I just lose my mind.

And that’s where I do the most damage. CHRIS PRAMAS: He is smelling him. KEVIN SUSSMAN: Yes! CHRIS PRAMAS: OK.

So that’s going to hit and it’s going to stunt. And you get six stunt points to spend. SAM WITWER: Damn, dude. CHRIS HARDWICK: This is good to motivate him with– KEVIN SUSSMAN: I told you guys don’t enrage me. WIL WHEATON: That’s true.

That’s true. That’s what you said. KEVIN SUSSMAN: Can I use skirmish to move the dude closer to the other dude. CHRIS PRAMAS: Yes. KEVIN SUSSMAN: And then use the dual strike?

CHRIS PRAMAS: Yes, you could do that.

SAM WITWER: So I support this. CHRIS HARDWICK: Yeah, I’m totally on board with this. SAM WITWER: Dirty Elven fighting techniques. KEVIN SUSSMAN: I don’t even know what I’m doing.

It’s just all instinct because I’m enraged. CHRIS PRAMAS: Yeah. OK, so you don’t need to– so you apply the results of your first attack to the second. So you’re going to hit them both. SAM WITWER: My god.

CHRIS PRAMAS: So you just roll damage against each one. If you look in your character sheet under your weapons there, it should say what the damage of your short sword is. KEVIN SUSSMAN: Short sword damage 1 D 6 plus 5. So I’ll use this.

SAM WITWER: Eight points.

CHRIS PRAMAS: Eight. CHRIS HARDWICK: Roll again for the second guy. WIL WHEATON: Nice. 10. So I hoist myself up off the ground.

Using the momentum of my mace to carry me off the ground. CHRIS PRAMAS: Your well-kissed mace. WIL WHEATON: And a seven, eight, mother [BLEEP]. Eight plus five, 13 this time. CHRIS PRAMAS: OK, you’re real close.

WIL WHEATON: Good. I’m glad. I’m glad to be close. Close is good. CHRIS PRAMAS: The combat with the Shrieks is taking the party a little longer than I suspected because Wil’s dice rolling is so bad.

WIL WHEATON: If I were doing this poorly in the “Dragon Age” video game, I would have rage-quit long ago.

But I’m having a great time role playing, and I’m getting to hang out with my friends. This is why tabletop games are vastly superior to video games. I am so angry, and I wail at him with my mace again. Six, seven, eight, nine.

I’m not rolling well. I’m bad at rolling dice, you guys. SAM WITWER: But it’s fine. Don’t do that to yourself. WIL WHEATON: You want to know why I tell stories in combat?

SAM WITWER: Don’t do it to yourself. WIL WHEATON: Let me tell you why I tell stories in combat. This all started when I was a kid. And I realized that I couldn’t– are you still there? CHRIS HARDWICK: I’m sorry.

There was a sound that’s become very familiar today where it’s the sound of the dice hitting the board and then a string of expletives coming from Wil.

WIL WHEATON: Seven plus five, 12. [BLEEP], [BLEEP], [BLEEP], [BLEEP], [BLEEP], [BLEEP]. What are the other words you can’t say on TV? [BLEEP].

I’m really sorry about that. CHRIS HARDWICK: You got a tin hand today. WIL WHEATON: I really do. Yeah, I know. And I’m not even the character with– I have two good hands.

I’m the worst dwarf ever. CHRIS PRAMAS: Let’s go. SAM WITWER: Oh, for god’s sake. 12 is still a miss? Or does it become a hit?

CHRIS PRAMAS: No, it was a miss.

SAM WITWER: Well, that’s weird. CHRIS HARDWICK: So I’m casting winter’s grasp. WIL WHEATON: You hit it. CHRIS HARDWICK: Oh, thank god.

CHRIS PRAMAS: So you hit it with this burst of cold. If it keeps going, you could potentially freeze it to death, which is good fun. SAM WITWER: Me and Wil are supposed to protect the party, and yet the party is protecting us. WIL WHEATON: Landed on a 19. CHRIS PRAMAS: Totally a hit.

SAM WITWER: The wizard and the rogue are basically handling the battle, and we’re just kind of sitting by. CHRIS HARDWICK: So I get one D six plus four.

Three, seven. CHRIS PRAMAS: So he blasts this bolt out of his staff, hits the Shriek in the chest, and at this point it shatters into icy pieces. CHRIS HARDWICK: Yay!

CHRIS PRAMAS: Yes, chunks of frozen Shriek– because you’re short– right in the face. WIL WHEATON: Right in the face, yeah. SAM WITWER: I start cleaning chunks of Shriek out of my mullet nervously. Just, “Get it off. Get it off!

” Keegan is freaking out a little bit at this point.

And so his racism might have to go by the wayside so that he embraces the team, because he can’t do this alone. WIL WHEATON: Let’s get back on the road. Let’s get out of here. CHRIS PRAMAS: OK.

So the day after your mostly heroic combat against the Shrieks– WIL WHEATON: Mostly? CHRIS PRAMAS: Mostly. WIL WHEATON: Really? CHRIS PRAMAS: Eventually you come to the entrance of this valley where the village of Green Thorn resides. WIL WHEATON: Oh yes.

Oh, it’s where the Queen’s Boot is. CHRIS PRAMAS: That’s correct. CHRIS HARDWICK: I’ve heard tales. WIL WHEATON: Yeah, we’re going there. CHRIS PRAMAS: So looking down into the valley you can see kind of a classic Ferelden village.

And then beyond it, toward the other end of the valley, there’s like a low hillock and then there is a big tower on top of that. SAM WITWER: Keegan wants to ask everyone if they think that we’re up to this task, while still trying to clean chunks out of his mullet. CHRIS HARDWICK: I think we are.

I mean, all we have to do is find a guy in a bar. I mean, what’s the– WIL WHEATON: I know we’re up to this task.

Did you see how I handled those guys? Let’s go. I walked down the hill. CHRIS PRAMAS: All right. CHRIS HARDWICK: You better roll to make sure you didn’t fall on your face.

WIL WHEATON: OK, I’m going to roll to make sure I don’t fall on my face. SAM WITWER: He falls on his face. [LAUGHTER] CHRIS HARDWICK: I’m sorry. WIL WHEATON: Do I need to roll for damage now? CHRIS PRAMAS: You don’t.

WIL WHEATON: Come on. Yeah, you don’t want sit close to me. So we’re going to go down into the village. And can we see the Queen’s Boot? CHRIS PRAMAS: So you get down to the village.

You see a sign. There isn’t writing on it, but there is a boot. So you figure that that’s probably it. As you are approaching the square, you come across a sort of charnel scene where there is five dead horses and a bunch of dead riders as well who are just lying dead in the street.

CHRIS HARDWICK: Crazy party town.

WIL WHEATON: I think so. How far away are we from the Queen’s Boot? Is this like right in front of it? CHRIS PRAMAS: Yeah, this is 50, 60 feet away. SAM WITWER: There’s no one in the streets?

CHRIS PRAMAS: No. WIL WHEATON: OK. SAM WITWER: OK. KEVIN SUSSMAN: Should I smell it and see how long they’ve been dead. CHRIS PRAMAS: Oh.

Yeah, sure. SAM WITWER: I just imagine that you smell, and then a close-up of the elven nose. And then flashbacks that tells you exactly what happened. WIL WHEATON: So “CSI” shots. SAM WITWER: He said something along the lines of, please don’t kill my wife.

And the children, they were taken over there. CHRIS PRAMAS: Yeah, make a smelling roll. SAM WITWER: He’s like a bloodhound. CHRIS HARDWICK: He really is. Smell the dice.

KEVIN SUSSMAN: It’s something. SAM WITWER: That’s all he gets.

CHRIS HARDWICK: There’s a smell here. CHRIS PRAMAS: Based on the decomposition smell and the flies that are being attracted to the corpses, you’re going to guess they’ve been dead for about a day. WIL WHEATON: Oh.

KEVIN SUSSMAN: In front of this place? WIL WHEATON: If they’ve been dead for about a day and there’s nobody around, there’s clearly no people in this town. CHRIS HARDWICK: OK, maybe let’s draw some weapons and then go into the Queen’s Boot. WIL WHEATON: Oh, in fact, one time I was all the way down in Ostagar– CHRIS HARDWICK: Interesting. SAM WITWER: I’m going to go into the– WIL WHEATON: –and a dragon had flown over us– SAM WITWER: I want to go around the back– CHRIS HARDWICK: You can just hear it through the door.

SAM WITWER: –see if there’s a back door and enter through there, as well. Just in case. CHRIS PRAMAS: So as you are approaching the inn, you hear a big thump coming from inside.

WIL WHEATON: Are there windows in the front of this inn? Or is it solid?

CHRIS PRAMAS: Yeah, there are windows. WIL WHEATON: I’ll peak in a window. CHRIS PRAMAS: OK. CHRIS HARDWICK: Oh, nice. WIL WHEATON: That’s great.

I’m glad that happened on my peek check. CHRIS HARDWICK: You’re a good peeker. WIL WHEATON: That’s 14– 15. CHRIS PRAMAS: OK. You see a woman, and she’s got a big cleaver in her hand.

And there is a shambling, pallid, bloody thing that was heading toward her, and she plants the cleaver right in the middle of his head.

And it drops to the ground. SAM WITWER: When you say shambling thing, is it humanoid or horta? CHRIS PRAMAS: Human. WIL WHEATON: Was it all, no kill I?

And then she was like, no way, whack. CHRIS PRAMAS: So it looks like a corpse that was walking towards her. SAM WITWER: Oh, goodness. WIL WHEATON: Guy’s I’ve heard of this. SAM WITWER: Sometimes they come back.

WIL WHEATON: I’ve heard this happening before.

In fact, one time we were down in– CHRIS HARDWICK: Oh, my god. WIL WHEATON: –the Krakaree wilds. CHRIS HARDWICK: You’re going to turn me into a zombie with your story. WIL WHEATON: OK.

So I’m opening the door. CHRIS PRAMAS: Just you are walking in? CHRIS HARDWICK: I’m going to go in to. I feel like someone should say, we’re not here to attack you. Just to let her know that– SAM WITWER: We’re not zombies, even though we’re covered in blood.

CHRIS PRAMAS: So you walk in the door, she has got her foot on the head of the thing and is in the process of pulling her cleaver out.

And she hears the door open and kind of puts it up on guard and it just flicks this putrid blood at you. You’ve got a blood resistant leather robe. Yeah. So she says, “Speak and prove to me that you’re alive.

” WIL WHEATON: I am Gorik Dunharg. Perhaps you’ve heard of my inability to land a blow. CHRIS HARDWICK: And then I say, “Yeah, this [BLEEP] guy will speak to let you know he’s alive. And then you’ll wish he was dead.” CHRIS PRAMAS: “Last week I might have cared about your inability with blows, but this week I’m just glad you’re not dead.

” WIL WHEATON: “Fair woman,” he says, “what fate has befallen your village?” CHRIS HARDWICK: I’m sorry he’s talking like this.

He read “The Game,” and that’s how he talks to women. We were here to meet someone and we noticed that there’s all this stuff going on, and we want to make sure you’re OK. And is there anything we can do to help?

WIL WHEATON: Thou. CHRIS PRAMAS: Yes. Well, I hope you can help because as far as I know I’m the only person left in the village.

Everyone else is either dead or they have fled. CHRIS HARDWICK: Thinli here has never been with a woman.

CHRIS PRAMAS: That’s what you want to talk to me about right now? CHRIS HARDWICK: No, no. I was whispering to him. You know what? If in the end it seems like nothing else is going to do it, we’ll just have him [BLEEP] Gorik’s beard while Gorik’s talking.

KEVIN SUSSMAN: My bride was killed. [BLEEP] you. SAM WITWER: I see that you had a little altercation here. What’s that about? KEVIN SUSSMAN: Are they dead or are they “dead?

” CHRIS PRAMAS: So two nights ago in the middle of the night, these skeletal creatures appeared and started murdering people in there beds. And then the next day some of those people got up again and started killing their neighbors as well.

That’s when people started to flee. CHRIS HARDWICK: How did you survive? CHRIS PRAMAS: Well, part of it was hiding.

Part of it was being good with a cleaver. CHRIS HARDWICK: Do you know someone named Aldric Lepoint? CHRIS PRAMAS: I don’t. CHRIS HARDWICK: Have you seen Grey Wardens about these parts? CHRIS PRAMAS: I have not.

CHRIS HARDWICK: What’s in that tower across town? CHRIS PRAMAS: I’m going to guess that that’s where all this evil came from. Because here’s the thing about that tower, it wasn’t here two days ago. KEVIN SUSSMAN: Moving tower. CHRIS HARDWICK: That’s bad news.

WIL WHEATON: We should go to this tower.

CHRIS HARDWICK: All right. WIL WHEATON: And when we are victorious in the tower, just as we were on the road– remember how awesome we were on the road, you guys? CHRIS HARDWICK: Eh, you’re being very liberal with “we.” WIL WHEATON: OK.

I believe that we should head up to that tower. I think that tower is where– in that tower lay our fate.

CHRIS HARDWICK: Or other stuff. SAM WITWER: Yeah, other things. WIL WHEATON: Where did that tower come from?

Is it filled with dark spawn? And more importantly, will I ever be able to roll higher than a 12 when it matters? Find out next time, when “Dragon Age” concludes on “TableTop.” [MUSIC PLAYING] WIL WHEATON: We’re rebels and then we’re coming to kill the queen and then they do that stuff, and then they drove them back into the thing.

And they’re in the tower.

And they’re making them stand in the tower.

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