Chez Geek: Paul Sabourin, Storm DiCostanzo, and Andrew Hackard Join Wil on TableTop

I haven’t had roommates since I was in my 20s. But when I did, the three most important things in our lives were getting drunk, getting laid, and slacking off. Now that I’m a responsible adult, those things are still important to me. But I spend a fair amount of my time yelling at today’s 20-somethings to get off the lawn of chez Wheaton. Today on “TableTop,” we are going to revisit those days of menial jobs and all-night movie marathons in our misspent youth, as my friends Andrew Hackard from Steve Jackson Games, Paul Sabourin and Greg DiConstanzo from musical duo Paul and Storm, join me to be roommates in a house we call “Chez Geek.

” [MUSIC PLAYING] WIL WHEATON: Welcome to “Chez Geek.” The goal of this game is to accumulate slack. At the beginning of the game, we’ll get a job, which has our slack goal, and how much income and free time we can spend to reach that slack goal.

On each term, we can do three things. We can call a good person into our room to give us slack, like Mr.

Gamer. We can send a bad person into a roommate’s room to mess with them, and even take away slacker things, like the Choad Warrior. After we’ve called a person into our room, we can choose to spend our time engaging in activity, like getting some nookie, or we can go shopping, and buy things that give us slack. Because we’re all in our early 20s, things can go awry whenever. We get these whenever cards that let us mess with each other, and sometimes give a bonus to ourselves.

Some of the ways we can mess with each other is by sending over the dreaded visit from the parents. Or perhaps letting a roommate know it sucks to be you. Which one of us will achieve the most slack? Which one of us will have the most interesting people in our room? Who will not be able to get rid of the Choad Warrior?

We’re about to find out, because it is time to play “Chez Geek.” ANDREW HACKARD: My name is Andrew Hackard.

I am the Munchkin Czar at Steve Jackson Games. PAUL SABOURIN: My name is Paul Sabourin. I’m a member of Paul and Storm.

We’re a comedy music duo. STORM DICOSTANZO: My name is Storm DiCostanzo. I am one half of the musical comedy band Paul and Storm. WIL WHEATON: Andrew, you’re going to go first. So I’ll go ahead and deal out our jobs.

ANDREW HACKARD: I will start off. I am the Corporate Drone. Obviously, I’m going to win this game of “Chez Geek.” I’ve been playing it for over 10 years. These guys have no chance.

I have one free time– boy, that’s true. But I have six income, which is not. And my slack goal is 22. So with only one free time, I’m going to go shopping for huge speakers.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] WIL WHEATON: Slack three, there you go.

-Wowzers. WIL WHEATON: Everybody watching at home might be interested to know that Andrew actually works for Steve Jackson Games, which publishes “Chez Geek.” I know “Chez Geek” fairly well. It’s one of my favorite Steve Jackson Games. And I think I’ve been playing it since maybe the early 2000s.

OK, Paul, you’re up. Let’s find out what your job is. PAUL SABOURIN: Well, as is appropriate for a musician with a master’s degree in speech communication, I am an envelope stuffer. -Yes, you are. PAUL SABOURIN: I have a free time of one, because apparently it takes a long time to stuff all those envelopes.

And I have an income of either two or three, depending on this roll right here. -OK, for this turn. PAUL SABOURIN: I have an income of three for this turn. My slack goal is 18. I have a very complex strategy.

It involves playing the right cards so that I end up winning the game.

Because I’m such a guy, we’re all going to find a couch, and every one gains one slack. ALL: Yay. WIL WHEATON: Couch slack. PAUL SABOURIN: I would like for you to remember this fact when it comes time to screw each.

STORM DICOSTANZO: Slack attack. PAUL SABOURIN: Let me go shopping. ANDREW HACKARD: Oh no, I’m afraid you’re not. You’ve been engrossed in sloths, nature’s sedatives. ALL: Oh noes.

ANDREW HACKARD: You get one slack because you’re watching a TV show about sloths, instead of shopping for whatever it is you were going to go shopping for. PAUL SABOURIN: Wow, so you played that on to me. ANDREW HACKARD: Which cancels your shopping trip. PAUL SABOURIN: And takes up my one free time that I had. -So it’s looking like your turn’s over.

PAUL SABOURIN: What a [BLEEP].

STORM DICOSTANZO: Paul, will you discard all of your cards? I really thought the other players would go for the discard all of their cards gambit. PAUL SABOURIN: I will not discard all of my cards, Storm. Thank you for asking.

STORM DICOSTANZO: I asked. I asked. I might change my strategy up as I go. But in general, I like to fly under the radar. I am a Bike Messenger.

And as a bike messenger, I have free time of two, and income of two. My slack goal is 19, which seems to be kind of high.

Each weed card that I play gives me an extra plus 1 slack. WIL WHEATON: Which also seems kind of high. PAUL SABOURIN: Also Seems Kind of High is my Grateful Dead cover band.

WIL WHEATON: Yes, it is. -Bravo. PAUL SABOURIN: Are we going to keep track of those? Is there going to be a little counter running? WIL WHEATON: Maybe there will be.

PAUL SABOURIN: OK. WIL WHEATON: Yeah, I’ll talk to the guys in post. STORM DICOSTANZO: Just put it on the wiki. [INTERPOSING VOICES] STORM DICOSTANZO: With my free time, I am going to play an RPG. ANDREW HACKARD: An RPG is a role-playing game.

That’s always a crapshoot. It can be really good, or really bad. STORM DICOSTANZO: I am simply the best. -The dice would disagree with you.

[INTERPOSING VOICES] WIL WHEATON: That’s one slack for your die roll of three.

STORM DICOSTANZO: And with that, I end my turn. WIL WHEATON: All right. I am the Convenience Store Clerk. I have a free time of two, and an income of two. My slack goal is 19.

The first thing I will do is call my cat, Feliz, to come over and hang out. ANDREW HACKARD: Unfortunately, “Not on the Bed,” Feliz. ALL: [GROANING] WIL WHEATON: I was on a budget– litter box or beers. Now instead of being worth one slack, Feliz is worth minus 1 slack. PAUL SABOURIN: Wil has the worst cat.

It’s costing him slack. I have the No Pets card. I could play this, and get rid of that [BLEEP] cat for him. I’m not going to play this card.

WIL WHEATON: Now I’m going to attempt to call to my room Mr.

Enthusiastic. -Oh boy. -Yay. WIL WHEATON: He will go to any room where there’s three or more slack hanging out in it. And then for my activity, I’m going to go to sleep.

STORM DICOSTANZO: Which is my Michael Jackson cover band. [MUSIC PLAYING] ANDREW HACKARD: So I’m going to go shopping. I will buy Principia Mathematica, which is worth three slack, which means I’m going to call Mr. Enthusiastic. [MUSIC PLAYING] WIL WHEATON: Man.

ANDREW HACKARD: But he does not come over. He is not into this. WIL WHEATON: Mr. Enthusiastic doesn’t want to hang out with the Corporate Drone, man. STORM DICOSTANZO: Andrew’s a conservative player, but also one who is not afraid to make bold moves.

PAUL SABOURIN: And I am going to call over the TV Queen. I’m meeting with my muse.

And she stays. WIL WHEATON: She’s there. You get a slack for the TV Queen coming and hanging out with you.

PAUL SABOURIN: Hi, ka-cha. I’ve got the TV Queen. I gave her a call, and she came over right away. It was really awesome of her. And I am going to buy some TranQuil.

I drank a lot of TranQuil, which give me a lot of slack. WIL WHEATON: How much slack is TranQuil worth? PAUL SABOURIN: Three whole slacks, which means I am going to call Mr.

Enthusiastic. WIL WHEATON: You think Mr.

Enthusiastic is excited about taking a nap in your room? PAUL SABOURIN: Hey, Mr. Enthusiastic, we’re watching TV, and there’s girls here. (CHEERING) Oh boy, I’m taking a nap. It’s going to be awesome.

As soon as he found out that she was there, that there was a girl in my apartment, Mr. Enthusiastic just came sweeping right on over. I mean, how can you resist the one-two combination of Paul and the TV Queen? WIL WHEATON: Let’s see.

What are we doing here?

ANDREW HACKARD: We’re playing “Chez Geek,” Wil. WIL WHEATON: Thank you very much. -LOL. WIL WHEATON: I am going go to sleep, because I’m broke. And apparently all I do is sleep.

When you look at the cards that have been accumulated outside of the game, they’re telling a story. So I’m a convenience store clerk who sleeps all the time. ANDREW HACKARD: I will do something that requires no money whatsoever. I’m going hunting for Campus Nookie. ALL: Yay.

PAUL SABOURIN: If there are any children watching, nookie is a kind of snack. Ask your mom. ANDREW HACKARD: So I have to roll one die, and then subtract one for the amount of slack that that gives me. WIL WHEATON: All right. Let’s see how successful you were.

You rolled a two. PAUL SABOURIN: I personally find it patently unfair that Andrew is the only person who has gotten any nookie in this apartment. What do I want to play? STORM DICOSTANZO: You could discard all of your cards.

PAUL SABOURIN: I could discard all of my cards.

WIL WHEATON: Storm’s been asking everybody to discard their entire hand. PAUL SABOURIN: What is your income and free time over there? ANDREW HACKARD: My free time is one. My income is six. PAUL SABOURIN: No, I think you’re going to get a new job.

ALL: Oh! WIL WHEATON: New job. Your new job is a professional research subject. PAUL SABOURIN: We were actually building these stories and these interesting characters based on the cards we were playing. ANDREW HACKARD: While I was the Corporate Drone on a recruiting trip to college, I hooked up with one of the people the young ladies I was interviewing, and I lost my job as a result.

PAUL SABOURIN: And I am going to– STORM DICOSTANZO: Discard the rest of your cards. PAUL SABOURIN: No, but I am going to discard She Who Cooks. ANDREW HACKARD: Paul discarded a person that was going to give him a lot of slack later in the game, because he didn’t read the card closely. And that’s going to come back and bite him. WIL WHEATON: Internet nerds, when you want to criticize that, he is paul@paulandstorm.

com. PAUL SABOURIN: You know what? I don’t need your input, internet nerds. STORM DICOSTANZO: Oh, wow. Do not– PAUL SABOURIN: I’m just baiting them now.

It’s all about hit counts. ANDREW HACKARD: Its All About Hit Counts is my Ike Turner cover band. ALL: Oh, no. PAUL SABOURIN: That would be Andrew– WIL WHEATON: To Andrew@sjgames.com.

I was having too much fun laughing at all of our cover bands. PAUL SABOURIN: I’m seriously regretting having given back that card. But I felt like I had to remain committed to my course of action. STORM DICOSTANZO: Remaining Committed to my Course of Action is my Madonna cover band. Respectable.

PAUL SABOURIN: It’s a little wobbly. It’s a Little Wobbly is my– STORM DICOSTANZO: Keith Richards cover band.

PAUL SABOURIN: There you go. Just his solo work. STORM DICOSTANZO: Yeah, he did a solo project at one point.

WIL WHEATON: He Did a Solo Project at One Point is my Paul McCartney cover band. STORM DICOSTANZO: I am going to play RPGs, which requires a slack of one. And then there’s the die roll that goes with that. And I roll. And I roll, and I roll.

-Oh! WIL WHEATON: Whoa, that was an awesome RPG session. -Wowzers. STORM DICOSTANZO: Yeah, I RPG like no one RPGs. WIL WHEATON: Storm’s got all these RPGs in front of him.

And he is only 10 away, or 9 away, from his goal. So Storm could theoretically win in one or two terms. PAUL SABOURIN: How’s your slack looking there, Wil? WIL WHEATON: It’s looking about as [BLEEP] as the cards in my hand. ANDREW HACKARD: Wil hasn’t had any really good moves yet.

We’re just waiting to see what he’s going to do.

WIL WHEATON: I’m not doing that great. Hey, Storm, ask me your question. STORM DICOSTANZO: Will you discard all of your cards? WIL WHEATON: Yes I will.

-Oh, man. STORM DICOSTANZO: It worked. WIL WHEATON: Because my hand is terrible. I just haven’t really gotten good cards in my hand. I haven’t had a lot of playable cards.

ANDREW HACKARD: That’s probably not going to be a great play for him, because you never know what you’re going to get when you re-draw. PAUL SABOURIN: You just did an incredibly dramatic thing. WIL WHEATON: I did. PAUL SABOURIN: It sounds like an act break to me, Wil. WIL WHEATON: It seems like this is a good time for an act break.

ALL: [SINGING DRAMATIC MUSIC] WIL WHEATON: Act break. [MUSIC PLAYING] WIL WHEATON: We’re back into it. Andrew, it is your turn. ANDREW HACKARD: As a Professional Research Subject, I now have variable income. So I have to roll to discover that I have four income this turn.

ALL: [CHEERING] -Nice. ANDREW HACKARD: And I have two free time.

This feels amazing. I will spend it hanging out at the cafe. That costs one and has slack two.

And because that worked so well for me, I’m going to do it again. And I believe that that is more than three. So I’m going to call Mr. Enthusiastic over. PAUL SABOURIN: No!

[INTERPOSING VOICES] PAUL SABOURIN: No, no, you’re staying right here. If there’s one thing I’m going to take home from this game, I think it’s the quality of loyalty among friends. No matter how hard people tried, once Mr. Enthusiastic came over, no one was going to take him away from my side. STORM DICOSTANZO: First of all, you could discard all of your cards.

PAUL SABOURIN: I could do that. I am tempted to do that. WIL WHEATON: Whatever, that’s my move. Don’t be jacking my move, bro. STORM DICOSTANZO: Don’t Be Jacking my Move, Bro, is my Vanilla Ice cover band.

ANDREW HACKARD: Oh.

STORM DICOSTANZO: Thank you. WIL WHEATON: Bravo. PAUL SABOURIN: Wow. WIL WHEATON: Bravo.

That was good. PAUL SABOURIN: I am going to go Dumpster Diving, which means I get to search through the discard. There’s a lot in the dumpster, too. Wow, I see all these useless cards for you from when you discarded them all, Wil. I get it now.

I totally get you. I grok you. -There’s a bong in there. WIL WHEATON: Yeah, the bong’s like right on top. Why aren’t you taking the bong?

[INTERPOSING VOICES] ALL: [CHANTING] Bong, bong, bong bong, bong, bong, bong– WIL WHEATON: Which is my Phish cover band. STORM DICOSTANZO: Yes, yes it is. WIL WHEATON: I have a good roommate story. I lived with Chris Hardwick. Chris– you’re not in this conversation.

You’re taking forever to pick a card. PAUL SABOURIN: I’m sorry. There’s lots of cards in the discard pile. WIL WHEATON: So Hardwick and I lived together when we were in our 20s. He’s one of my favorite people in the world.

But let me tell you something about Chris Hardwick– does not do the dishes.

And I’m sort of fastidious about doing the dishes. And there was actually a day where I got so fed up with his lack of doing the dishes, I picked his dishes up, I took them into his bedroom, I put them on his bed, I closed the door. And I went back about my business, thinking, oh, when he comes home tonight, he is going to know that I’ve had it with his no-dishes-doing shenanigans. That night Chris came home, walked into his room.

I heard the door open, and I was like, here it comes. I heard the door close. And there was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom. STORM DICOSTANZO: Sure. What?

WIL WHEATON: There was not. I walked out. Chris had taken his blanket off the bed, left the dishes on there, and took it right out to the couch, and went to sleep on the couch. STORM DICOSTANZO: Wow. That’s more effort than doing the dishes.

WIL WHEATON: I know. That was his commitment to not doing the dishes. PAUL SABOURIN: I will– WIL WHEATON: Have you actually chosen a card? PAUL SABOURIN: I will have you know that I have chosen.

WIL WHEATON: Wow.

PAUL SABOURIN: I have chosen Serendipity, where my next income is raised by two. And I will play that right now. STORM DICOSTANZO: Can he can do that? WIL WHEATON: Yeah, he sure can. PAUL SABOURIN: It’s a Whenever Card.

Is it whenever right now, Storm? STORM DICOSTANZO: Well, but it could be whenever for later. WIL WHEATON: It was whenever. Now it’s whenever. Paul, would you like to flourish to end your turn?

No, I’m sorry. You can’t. You used all of your time looking through the cards. STORM DICOSTANZO: Oh, no flourish for you. PAUL SABOURIN: But I’m going to play a whenever flourish.

STORM DICOSTANZO: Whenever Flourish is my Stevie Nicks cover band. WIL WHEATON: Well done.

PAUL SABOURIN: I’m going to take a sip on that one. That one gets a clink. Come on.

STORM DICOSTANZO: Yeah, let’s clink. Clink it up. Thank you. WIL WHEATON: Clink It Up is my Martin and Lewis cover band. Yes.

Thank you very much, thank you. PAUL SABOURIN: Lady. STORM DICOSTANZO: Now when I picked cards, I tell you to pick from the top of the deck. PAUL SABOURIN: Apparently we’re all Walter Brennan. WIL WHEATON: There’s also not a lot of daylight between the impressions of Walter Brennan, Bill Cosby, and Morgan Freeman.

I’d like to tell you that I drew from the bottom of the deck. I’d like to tell you that. But the cards came off the top of the deck, Theo. PAUL SABOURIN: Rudy, remember, I am your father. That would be cosplay.

WIL WHEATON: A little bit of cosplay for you today. STORM DICOSTANZO: I’m going to watch some TV, the Animal Bothering Show. WIL WHEATON: I’m a huge fan of the Animal Bothering Show.

STORM DICOSTANZO: I’m going to play this, because that’s how I roll. WIL WHEATON: Because who doesn’t want to watch the Animal Bothering Show?

ANDREW HACKARD: Steve Irwin. ALL: [GROANING] PAUL SABOURIN: You know what, that gets a cross-table clink. “Cross-Table Clink” is my “Hogan’s Heroes” remake. That’s it. I’m done.

[MUSIC PLAYING] WIL WHEATON: I get to draw six brand new cards. ALL: One, two, three, four, five, six. [FAKE LAUGHING] WIL WHEATON: Are you [BLEEP] serious? Are you [BLEEP] serious, game? ANDREW HACKARD: There’s a big part of luck in just what cards you get.

Wil certainly has been unlucky in what he got. This is my super great draw. PAUL SABOURIN: I’m not looking so I can avoid catching any contact shame. STORM DICOSTANZO: Contact Shame is my Milli Vanilli cover band. WIL WHEATON: Now I am going to attempt to call over someone who I’ve desperately needed this entire game, The Motivator.

The Motivator gives me plus one free time if motivator’s in my room, but also gives me slack one. So, is The Motivator home? ALL: Yes. WIL WHEATON: The Motivator hangs out with my cat, Feliz. So that’s a slack from The Motivator– ANDREW HACKARD: I that is actually Hardwick’s cat, because the bed is still– [INTERPOSING VOICES] [LAUGHING] ANDREW HACKARD: If I were playing against good players, I’d be in trouble.

So my first activity, I’m going to hook up in Storm’s campaign and play some RPGs.

STORM DICOSTANZO: That’s the way to be. WIL WHEATON: Good times ANDREW HACKARD: Four. So that’s actually two. Paul doesn’t have a lot of surprises.

What he’s got, he’s got. And he plays it out there. So you just have to be prepared for it. PAUL SABOURIN: OK then, I am going to– WIL WHEATON: I’m going to pitch a new card to you, OK? It’s a minus slack guy.

And it’s Takes Forever to Decide What He’s Going to Do on his Turn Guy. And he– ANDREW HACKARD: However would we illustrate it, Wil? PAUL SABOURIN: I think we might illustrate it like this. If I had no hope of winning this game, I might be bitching, too, right now, but since there’s cameras pointed at us, and there is a reputation on the line, and bragging rights. Fine, I am just going to buy some Tequila Shots, which cost me three– -I wish I could have tequila shots.

PAUL SABOURIN: Gives me a slack of three. STORM DICOSTANZO: Who do I think is going to win? Paul is very wily. Andrew knows the game very well, and Wil is Wil. So it’s a pretty dead heat.

I’m going to go with Paul, because he’s standing to my left. I’m just going to play Guy on the Couch for slack one. WIL WHEATON: And tell the kids at home what Guy on the Couch does, because he’s kind of a special thing. STORM DICOSTANZO: Yes. Guy on the Couch gives you slack one.

You can play them at any time without rolling. But starting on the next player’s turn, he’ll go away if– oh, I’m an idiot.

But you know what, I’m going to own my mistake. I’m going to own it. WIL WHEATON: I’m Going to Own my Mistake is my Jessica Simpson’s father’s cover band.

STORM DICOSTANZO: Wow. I’m not going to place that too firmly. WIL WHEATON: That means you’re slack one. PAUL SABOURIN: Storm is like a sniper. You never really can count him out.

WIL WHEATON: So the first thing I’m going to do is play computer games.

That gives me slack two. -Nerd. WIL WHEATON: The second thing I’m going to do is play some more computer games. -That’s a lot of games.

WIL WHEATON: That gives me two more slack. That’s number two. And now the last thing I’m going to do is sleep it all off. -Wow. PAUL SABOURIN: Wow, Wil.

ANDREW HACKARD: What’s your slack goal? STORM DICOSTANZO: Slack goal is 19. WIL WHEATON: One, two, I’m going to take three away, just because I got that. And now I don’t know what I’m doing here. So I’ve got two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine and five is 14.

On my way to my goal of 19. ALL: N-n-n-n-n-19. N-n-n-n-19. PAUL SABOURIN: Wil had that phenomenal round, where he just had this incredible swaying, almost back up into the lead. WIL WHEATON: I thought, jeez, I might actually be able to just miraculously race through and touch my goal.

PAUL SABOURIN: Remind us, how many points of slack is he away from winning? ANDREW HACKARD: Two. [INTERPOSING VOICES] -Looking a little grim. ANDREW HACKARD: Oh, my income is four. PAUL SABOURIN: When it rains, it pours, guys.

ANDREW HACKARD: I’m going to Surf the Net for two slack.

Can anybody stop that? WIL WHEATON: Anybody? Anybody? STORM DICOSTANZO: I’ve got a joint.

WIL WHEATON: Well, then I believe we have achieved victory. Andrew is the winner of “Chez Geek.” Congratulations. ANDREW HACKARD: Thank you. WIL WHEATON: Paul and Storm, I’ll be meeting you on the loser’s couch in just a minute.

Andrew, let’s go downstairs, and I will present you with your trophy– ANDREW HACKARD: Sweet. WIL WHEATON: –in front of the wall of victory. STORM DICOSTANZO: All the slack for us. All the slack for us. WIL WHEATON: Paul, Storm.

PAUL SABOURIN: Wil. WIL WHEATON: It’s really my pleasure and sacred duty to join you here on the couch of defeat. PAUL SABOURIN: Not to mention your contractual obligation. WIL WHEATON: That as well. I wanted to congratulate you– well, and me, really– on a game well-played.

STORM DICOSTANZO: We lost very well. WIL WHEATON: We certainly did. Now I’m going to go downstairs, and I’m going to congratulate Andrew on a game better played. STORM DICOSTANZO: If you must. WIL WHEATON: You probably don’t want to drink this.

PAUL SABOURIN: No? WIL WHEATON: No. Ladies and gentlemen, nerds, welcome to the Wall of Victory. And welcome, Andrew, to the Wall of Victory. You have earned your spot here in these hallowed halls.

It is my great pleasure to present to the official TableTop trophy of victory. Put your name on it right here– An-drew. Andrew, you are the winner today. You won “Chez Geek.” Would you like to say anything to the folks at home?

ANDREW HACKARD: I owe it all to the company that hired me as a professional research subject.

WIL WHEATON: Now unfortunately, because we are a very low-budget show, I have to take the trophy back. But you do to keep the piece of tape. ANDREW HACKARD: Sweet. WIL WHEATON: See you next time on “TableTop.

” [MUSIC PLAYING] PAUL SABOURIN: Hey, everybody. We’re Paul and Storm. We wanted to tell you about are show, called “Learning Town,” coming to Geek & Sundry real soon. It’s about a duo named Paul and Storm who take over a kid’s show. But it’s not for kids.

There’s puppets, and they’re going to catch fire. “Learning Town” on Geek & Sundry. [MUSIC PLAYING].