King of Tokyo: Totalbiscuit, Greg Zeschuk, Craig Benzine, and Wil Wheaton on Tabletop

I saw my first kaiju movie on UHF television in the late 1970s. It was the timeless, unforgettable classic, “Guy in a Monster Suit Versus Guy in a Slightly Different Monster Suit.” It had everything we’ve come to expect from a kaiju film– legion of creepy, weird kids singing songs for some reason, an army impotently wasting tens of thousands of rounds of ammunition trying to kill the monsters, and of course, the magnificently bad dubbing. I loved it.

Today on tabletop, Greg Zeschuk, Craig Benzine, John Bain, and I will slip into our very own kaiju rubber monster suits as we attempt to discover which one of us is the “King of Tokyo.” [MUSIC PLAYING] WIL WHEATON: “King of Tokyo” is a press-your-luck dice game designed by Richard Garfield, who give the world “Magic: The Gathering.” We are all giant kaiju monsters trying to be the king of Tokyo.

I wanna be the king of Tokyo. No, I will be the king of Tokyo.

Screw you guys. I am legally distinct from, though similar to, Godzilla. That means I am the king of Tokyo! On each turn, we roll these dice to find out if we’re punching, healing, generating energy, or scoring points. We can reroll our dice a maximum of two times to focus on the strategy that is best for us at that moment.

If you’re focusing on punching, you are either attacking a monster that’s in Tokyo or defending Tokyo if you’re already there. If you’re healing, you’re healing. If you’re generating energy points, you’re buying these cool little energy cubes that you can trade in for these cards to make your monster more powerful. If you’re just scoring points, what are we doing? That’s right.

We’re just scoring points. But that’s a good thing, because points are how you win the game. When you are inside Tokyo, every punch you roll hits every other monster in the game. The catch is, every punch they roll will hit you. The first player to 20 victory points wins.

So which one of us is wearing the most convincing rubber monster suit? Let’s find out. It’s time to play “King of Tokyo.” CRAIG BENZINE: My name is Craig Benzine, also known as Wheezy Waiter, but I do a lot of videos on the internet of me making a fool of myself, pretty much.

Just often with my shirt off.

GREG ZESCHUK: My name’s Greg Zeschuk. I used to make video games as one of the co-founders of Bioware. Now I’m the chief beer enthusiast at “The Beer Diaries,” web show and interactive experience. TOTALBISCUIT: My name is John Bain. I’m more commonly known on the internet as TotalBiscuit.

I run a channel called Cynical Brit. WIL WHEATON: Generally, the way you decide to go first in “King of Tokyo” is by rolling dice. And whoever rolls the most punches is the player that goes first. However, when you find yourself at a gaming table with three other men in possession of magnificent beards, one must determine by beard-off who goes first. We took a vote.

It was a democratic process. We’ve all concluded that it is in fact Greg who has the most magnificent beard at the table. So Greg, you will be going first. GREG ZESCHUK: Thank you so much, and I appreciate the– WIL WHEATON: You’re welcome.

Who– what’s your monster?

GREG ZESCHUK: My monster is the Kraken. [MONSTER ROAR] GREG ZESCHUK: And so he is obviously an underwater dweller who’s going to take over Tokyo City. WIL WHEATON: Yeah, like you do. GREG ZESCHUK: I like the Kraken because he’s kind of cool looking. I have no other explanation.

I like his design. He’s very streamlined, good swimmer. Ah. WIL WHEATON: You got– GREG ZESCHUK: Energies. WIL WHEATON: Two energies?

And yeah. GREG ZESCHUK: I got two energies. I’m going to do some energy. I’m going to load up on energy. Oop– one more energy.

WIL WHEATON: Yep, all right. And then you’re on your last roll here. GREG ZESCHUK: Last roll. You get– oh– ALL: What? GREG ZESCHUK: How about that.

So two points and three energies. WIL WHEATON: All right. Here are your energies, sir. GREG ZESCHUK: And I’m going to buy the psychic probe. WIL WHEATON: Ah, you’re gonna– son of a– ah, that’s such a great card!

Oh. GREG ZESCHUK: Thank you, thank you. WIL WHEATON: Yeah, an excellent strategy. TOTALBISCUIT: All right. Let’s give it a shot, shall we?

Hmm. That’s a whole lot of nothing. That’s actually– WIL WHEATON: You’re very well spread out over there. TOTALBISCUIT: Yeah. I like variety.

WIL WHEATON: What’s the name of your monster, by the way? TOTALBISCUIT: I am Mecha Dragon. [MONSTER ROAR] TOTALBISCUIT: My character is the Mecha Dragon. Some claim he visits us from outer space. Some others claim he was built by human hands.

Only Mecha Dragon truly knows. All right. Let’s give it another shot.

[GRUMBLE] Well, second energy. Not too terrible.

WIL WHEATON: The dice are really trying to tell you to roll threes. TOTALBISCUIT: They really, really are. And I am going to take that risk. I want to see if I can make that happen. WIL WHEATON: Oh, wow.

We’re gambling, and we’re not winning. TOTALBISCUIT: That’s standard fare. WIL WHEATON: So you get you get two energies. And if you were wounded, you would heal. But you’re not, so you don’t.

Wheezy, you’re up. CRAIG BENZINE: All right, I think– TOTALBISCUIT: It’s all yours. CRAIG BENZINE: He was hiding dice in his beard. I think I saw it. WIL WHEATON: Ah, right.

Who are you? CRAIG BENZINE: I’m the King. The King! [MONSTER ROAR] CRAIG BENZINE: Rah! Ooh.

Ones. WIL WHEATON: That’s a lot of ones. TOTALBISCUIT: It’s definitely– CRAIG BENZINE: A lot of nothing, really. TOTALBISCUIT: Well, no, but that’s– WIL WHEATON: That’s worth three points to you right now. CRAIG BENZINE: Yeah, which is kind of nice.

WIL WHEATON: Yeah, yeah, yeah. CRAIG BENZINE: Hmm. I’m gonna do it. WIL WHEATON: I’m shutting up. CRAIG BENZINE: Uh– hmm.

WIL WHEATON: Hmm. GREG ZESCHUK: This might not be a good strategy. TOTALBISCUIT: You know, I can’t help but notice that Tokyo City’s looking curiously empty right now. WIL WHEATON: It is, right? CRAIG BENZINE: It is.

[MUSIC PLAYING] GREG ZESCHUK: Are you calling us all chickens? TOTALBISCUIT: I’m just saying there might be a strategy at work. CRAIG BENZINE: All right WIL WHEATON: All right.

Here you go. The King gets an energy.

And you get three points. CRAIG BENZINE: Three points. WIL WHEATON: That means you are first on the board. Congratulations. CRAIG BENZINE: I win.

WIL WHEATON: And by first, I mean second. CRAIG BENZINE: Oh. WIL WHEATON: Now I am here. I am Gigazaur. [MONSTER ROAR] WIL WHEATON: Who is similar to but legally distinct from Godzilla.

[MONSTER ROAR] WIL WHEATON: Let’s see. That’s going to be a punch and an energy. CRAIG BENZINE: Looks like he’s going to Tokyo. TOTALBISCUIT: I think so.

CRAIG BENZINE: Oh, he’s gonna take the bull by the horns.

WIL WHEATON: That’s another punch, which I don’t need, and two points. Let’s see if we can grab a couple of points. Oh, look that that. TOTALBISCUIT: Oh. WIL WHEATON: So I get an energy– Gigazaur attack Tokyo!

Muahh! Gigazaur in Tokyo now, bluah! Gigazaur like Tokyo. Tokyo Gigazaur home. I get two points for my dice, and I get one point for taking Tokyo, which takes me up to three points.

And now I challenge you to fight me. Something I learned from poker is that you have to take the temperature of the table. What I get from the table right now is that nobody really wants to get into Tokyo and take a lot of risks.

Having figured that out, I think I’m really happy to stay there right now. And yeah, I’ll take one damage here, one damage there.

But I will also take two points every round. GREG ZESCHUK: Ooh, is this– WIL WHEATON: Oh yeah, now everybody’s gonna roll punches, because I’m in Tokyo. GREG ZESCHUK: Yeah, well, that’s what you do. TOTALBISCUIT: You did make yourself a giant target, to be fair. WIL WHEATON: I did, yes.

GREG ZESCHUK: Ah, c’mon. Ah. Three punches, one energy. WIL WHEATON: Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

I yield. Get your ass into Tokyo. GREG ZESCHUK: It was just a taunt, wasn’t it? WIL WHEATON: [LAUGHS] GREG ZESCHUK: Blah, blah, blah, blah. I’m planning on actually doing a combat strategy.

I think I want to try to deal some damage. I’m going to try and stick with that. TOTALBISCUIT: Hmm. That’s– WIL WHEATON: A lot of ones. TOTALBISCUIT: Yeah.

And I’m not keen on that. CRAIG BENZINE: I did the ones, and I regretted it. GREG ZESCHUK: You regretted it? That was a lot of points. WIL WHEATON: There should be a special thing if you roll four ones.

CRAIG BENZINE: You get a foot rub, maybe? WIL WHEATON: I love that idea. CRAIG BENZINE: On camera? TOTALBISCUIT: Yeah. WIL WHEATON: D’oh.

TOTALBISCUIT: Eh, I’ll take the second swing. Why not? WIL WHEATON: All right. TOTALBISCUIT: I’ll keep these two. And let’s see if we can get another one out of that.

And no, we can’t. WIL WHEATON: That’s a punch and an energy. So here’s an energy cube for you. TOTALBISCUIT: Nothing on the board that I can purchase, unfortunately. WIL WHEATON: Right.

You’re gonna take three punches. TOTALBISCUIT: That you are.

GREG ZESCHUK: I’m going to chicken out. WIL WHEATON: Yep. And leave Tokyo.

GREG ZESCHUK: Wahhh! WIL WHEATON: Al right. You still take three damage. GREG ZESCHUK: Absolutely. WIL WHEATON: And now, uh, Mecha Dragon is in Tokyo.

TOTALBISCUIT: Hmm. He cares not for your pitiful cowardice. Tokyo is mine. It was preordained, predestined. WIL WHEATON: Wheezy, you’re up, dude.

CRAIG BENZINE: All righty. I kinda want to eat these. These look delicious, don’t they? WIL WHEATON: Kids, please don’t eat these. GREG ZESCHUK: There’s a gummy version of the game that has a– WIL WHEATON: Kids, they’re not gummy anything.

Please don’t eat them. GREG ZESCHUK: Toothbreakers. CRAIG BENZINE: OK. I want some energy. Ones again.

I’m going to roll them all again. I’m going for energy here. Well, I hit. How about reroll your energy? TOTALBISCUIT: That sounds like a great idea.

WIL WHEATON: Oh, he’s making you we reroll your energy.

CRAIG BENZINE: Ah! GREG ZESCHUK: Haha. Don’t roll a heart, please. TOTALBISCUIT: He’s gonna roll a heart.

GREG ZESCHUK: I know. This was gonna happen. WIL WHEATON: You Give a one in six chance. CRAIG BENZINE: Three. Oh, I get three points.

Yeah. TOTALBISCUIT: What kind of strategy is that? GREG ZESCHUK: See, that’s why I never used it. I knew something bad would happen. It’s like an auto– TOTALBISCUIT: I suppose I shouldn’t expect any better from some glorified lobster.

GREG ZESCHUK: From the Kraken.

[MONSTER ROAR] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MONSTER ROAR] [MONSTER ROAR] TOTALBISCUIT: So we’ll see if your feeble minds can comprehend this. CRAIG BENZINE: Oh. WIL WHEATON: Wow, that’s a lot of points. TOTALBISCUIT: It is.

It’s also a lot of energy. WIL WHEATON: It is. TOTALBISCUIT: I like that too. My goal is to control the board and to eliminate as many variables as possible. And the way that I intend to do that is by controlling what abilities are available on the board and making sure that I end up with a suite of abilities that enable me to hopefully win very quickly.

GREG ZESCHUK: But how about you reroll one of those three, because– CRAIG BENZINE: Oh. He is a guy that can do that to you. GREG ZESCHUK: Oh, you have it in for me now. TOTALBISCUIT: He’s not going to be able to do that for long. GREG ZESCHUK: Aha, aha.

Ooh. TOTALBISCUIT: OK. Ah. But then I shall reroll this. CRAIG BENZINE: He goaded you into punching him is what happened.

TOTALBISCUIT: It was all part of the plan. Well if we’re gonna punch him, we might as well punch him twice. WIL WHEATON: Yes. And have two energy, too, sir. GREG ZESCHUK: And you’re welcome to the center again.

TOTALBISCUIT: That was, needless to say, also part of the grand scheme. I will purchase parasitic tentacles. WIL WHEATON: Of course you will. TOTALBISCUIT: These are now mecha-parasitic tentacles. WIL WHEATON: Please give me– [MUSIC PLAYING] GREG ZESCHUK: Guess what he’s gonna buy?

Any idea? TOTALBISCUIT: Unilaterally. You’re not involved in the transaction. WIL WHEATON: Yeah, but he doesn’t have enough. He can’t afford it.

TOTALBISCUIT: Not yet. GREG ZESCHUK: Oh, you gotta– ah.

WIL WHEATON: Yep. If you wanted your psychic probe, you shoulda put a ring on it. Your turn, Wheezy.

CRAIG BENZINE: I’ll have the die. All right. Ooh, punching. WIL WHEATON: Lots of punching happening. Do I want to punch, though?

I think I can go violent this time. Yep. GREG ZESCHUK: Jolly and full of punching energies. CRAIG BENZINE: Three punches. Two energy.

And I’m going to roll again. Heart. Now that’s useless. WIL WHEATON: Healing. And that’s three damage to– TOTALBISCUIT: It is.

WIL WHEATON: Mecha Dragon. So what are you doing, Mecha Dragon? TOTALBISCUIT: Mecha Dragon is happy to cede the battlefield to this little monkey. He can play around.

CRAIG BENZINE: Rah!

GREG ZESCHUK: You know, your accent’s perfect for those kind of look your down nose taunts. TOTALBISCUIT: The ridiculous condescending tone, like someone just wants to punch you through the screen. GREG ZESCHUK: The condescension is palpable at this table. It’s interesting when he was really getting into the character with the English accent. It kind of gets a little rough, but I think that’s the point.

He’s trying to get on all our nerves. WIL WHEATON: Here we go. Gigazaur rolling dice to see now what fun times fights. Uh, not so good. Gigazaur keeps threes.

Gigazaur keeps hearts. Gigazaur sad. Gigazaur keeps energy. CRAIG BENZINE: I think he really thinks he’s Gigazaur. WIL WHEATON: Gigazaur rolls.

TOTALBISCUIT: He’s getting into it. WIL WHEATON: Gigazaur keeps threes, and Gigazaur turns over. Too late! GREG ZESCHUK: No, no, no. You gotta reroll one.

And I’m hoping you get a heart. WIL WHEATON: Gigazaur roll two. GREG ZESCHUK: I’m so sorry. WIL WHEATON: You’re not. You’re not sorry.

You’re polite because you’re Canadian. Gigazaur purchases the healing card to heal two damage.

Gigazaur return to full health now and ready for attack time. Gigazaur no think point. Gigazaur punch thing.

GREG ZESCHUK: Alrighty. Ooh, I got the ones and the heals. WIL WHEATON: Wow, look at that. You got a full house. GREG ZESCHUK: That’s a very odd roll.

So that’d be two points and two heals, which would take me to five.

And I’m actually going to just stop there. So two points. WIL WHEATON: Yep, and you’re back to full strength. GREG ZESCHUK: Yeah, I’m back to full strength.

WIL WHEATON: All right. CRAIG BENZINE: So you’re satisfied with that. WIL WHEATON: I’m thinking of that point of the kaiju monster movie where the creepy, weird legion of children is singing a song for some reason. Gigazaur does have a theme song, but you can only actually hear it when it’s sung by 24 Japanese schoolchildren holding parasols and bamboo. TOTALBISCUIT: Mecha Dragon cares not for your human song.

GREG ZESCHUK: Mecha Dragon has an English accent, does he? TOTALBISCUIT: Well, naturally. WIL WHEATON: I think it’s great. TOTALBISCUIT: Hmm. WIL WHEATON: That’s just science and math.

TOTALBISCUIT: This entire thing is getting rerolled. It is terrible. WIL WHEATON: Wow.

TOTALBISCUIT: I hate it. I don’t like this much more, quite frankly.

But I’ll keep the energy, and I’ll keep the heart. And I will reroll everything else. CRAIG BENZINE: Holy– WIL WHEATON: Wow, that’s a lot of energy. GREG ZESCHUK: Reroll one energy. TOTALBISCUIT: You’d like me to reroll one energy.

GREG ZESCHUK: Yes. TOTALBISCUIT: Ah, yes. GREG ZESCHUK: Why would that be– TOTALBISCUIT: I thought you might somehow. WIL WHEATON: Wow. You will get two energy bucks.

GREG ZESCHUK: Yes. Which is not going to stay in the bank for long. WIL WHEATON: Yes, yes? TOTALBISCUIT: Hostile takeover on that psychic probe, thank you. WIL WHEATON: You will lose.

You will buy the psychic probe. TOTALBISCUIT: Yes. WIL WHEATON: Very well. GREG ZESCHUK: There you go. TOTALBISCUIT: That is mine.

GREG ZESCHUK: Enjoy my psychic probe. I was done with it anyway. TOTALBISCUIT: Did you clean it afterwards? GREG ZESCHUK: I stored it under my beard. TOTALBISCUIT: That’s close enough.

GREG ZESCHUK: Actually, I probably– TOTALBISCUIT: Yes, oh, there is this one punch that should be resolved. We’re going to punch the monkey. WIL WHEATON: Punch the monkey. All right. That’s about as low as I can go now.

CRAIG BENZINE: See this? The monkey wants to give you the finger. But it’s not doing it. GREG ZESCHUK: He’s trying. TOTALBISCUIT: Unfortunately, it’s not intelligent enough to make the gesture.

GREG ZESCHUK: He doesn’t have digits, I don’t think. WIL WHEATON: All right. Are you yielding? No, you’re not yielding. Of course you’re not yielding to one punch.

Did you give yourself two points for being in Tokyo at the start of your turn? CRAIG BENZINE: Now I will.

Ka-ching! WIL WHEATON: Look at that. You’re at eight points.

You’re– CRAIG BENZINE: Woo! WIL WHEATON: You’re two away from being halfway home to victory. CRAIG BENZINE: Yeah. All right. Serious business.

WIL WHEATON: Yeah. TOTALBISCUIT: Something must be done. WIL WHEATON: Wow, look at that. CRAIG BENZINE: I’m going to keep one of these. I’m gonna roll.

Going for points. Oh. Oh. Well. And then I could punch all of you once, couldn’t I?

WIL WHEATON: You could. CRAIG BENZINE: Monkey punch. TOTALBISCUIT: You could I’d prefer if you didn’t. CRAIG BENZINE: I’d like to be equal. I just got punched, so, you know.

TOTALBISCUIT: I just strongly feel at this stage that you should not be punching anybody.

CRAIG BENZINE: I’ll take your argument into consideration. And then I won’t. So I’m going to punch everybody. WIL WHEATON: Actually, you’re not.

He’s telling you to reroll with the psychic probe. CRAIG BENZINE: Oh! TOTALBISCUIT: I was trying to be subtle, but apparently it went over the monkey’s head– unsurprisingly. GREG ZESCHUK: Wah wah. TOTALBISCUIT: Monkey reroll dice.

CRAIG BENZINE: The player I’m most concerned about right now is John because his English accent keeps throwing me off.

I’m from the Midwest. We don’t get out much, you know? Oh. Yeah.

WIL WHEATON: All right. You get an energy. You get three points. And you get a heal. GREG ZESCHUK: No, but– TOTALBISCUIT: He does not get a heal.

He is in Tokyo. WIL WHEATON: Oh, he’s in Tokyo. That’s right. So he doesn’t get a heal. TOTALBISCUIT: He’s too busy smashing things.

CRAIG BENZINE: Oh, I forgot. I don’t get healed in Tokyo. WIL WHEATON: That’s right. My bad. CRAIG BENZINE: But I get three points, right?

WIL WHEATON: Yep, So you have 11 points now. All right. CRAIG BENZINE: Remember when I said I was gonna punch all of you? That was a joke.

WIL WHEATON: Right, of course.

TOTALBISCUIT: Well, I’m thinking– WIL WHEATON: Come on, Gigazaur, what are we doing? What are we doing here? Let’s see. We got a couple of punches. We got a whole lot of bull [BLEEP].

And Gigazaur, Gigazaur, Gigazaur. TOTALBISCUIT: Gigazaur doing what Gigazaur does best. GREG ZESCHUK: Beating royale. CRAIG BENZINE: It was a joke. WIL WHEATON: Gigazaur, Gigazaur, Gigazaur.

All right. So that’s not good. Would you like me to reroll one of those, perhaps? TOTALBISCUIT: I would not. Because it’s far too interesting.

Please continue. WIL WHEATON: All I’m saying is if I rerolled, I might punch him more. But that’s OK. I certainly don’t want to tell you to use your psychic probe. TOTALBISCUIT: Mecha Dragon has taken your argument into consideration and will allow you to reroll one of your dice.

CRAIG BENZINE: What did I do? GREG ZESCHUK: You threatened to punch everyone. WIL WHEATON: Oh, Gigazaur use force, get energy. Gigazaur punches you four times, monkey-face. CRAIG BENZINE: Ouch.

GREG ZESCHUK: That’s a beating.

CRAIG BENZINE: Ouch. Ouch. TOTALBISCUIT: Or was it a spanking? I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry. GREG ZESCHUK: I was gonna complete that for you, but I decided not to. TOTALBISCUIT: I thought I couldn’t go any lower. I was wrong. CRAIG BENZINE: The King is going to leave Tokyo.

WIL WHEATON: Bleagh! Gigazaur’s in Tokyo now. And gets a point, OK. Huh. Rolled another– oh no, you didn’t roll a full house.

You rolled two two pairs. CRAIG BENZINE: We’re not playing poker. WIL WHEATON: What? What are we playing? GREG ZESCHUK: Will you let me keep those?

TOTALBISCUIT: Depends. Are you planning on keeping them? GREG ZESCHUK: Yeah, I’m gonna keep them. TOTALBISCUIT: Well, I’d prefer if you didn’t keep one of those threes, if that’s okay.

GREG ZESCHUK: Remember, this always rolls threes– or hearts.

WIL WHEATON: Oh snap! CRAIG BENZINE: Ha ha, ha ha. Enjoy your tentacles. WIL WHEATON: The psychic probe has been deactivated. So this goes away.

GREG ZESCHUK: I knew you couldn’t handle its power. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MONSTER ROAR] [MONSTER ROAR] CRAIG BENZINE: My strategy right now is to build points. I initially wanted to get cards, but the rolls kept giving me points. I’m high up in the points, and they don’t even notice. The rest of the players, I don’t think they notice yet.

So I’m just going to keep hiding that. GREG ZESCHUK: You know, Wheezy’s a good player. He’s keeping it quiet. He’s clearly up to something.

But all of our strategies are all over this game, so it’s unclear what’s going to happen.

WIL WHEATON: I’m not quite sure who’s going to win “King of Tokyo” today. I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be me. It is your turn, Kraken. GREG ZESCHUK: I have the dice. The Kraken is ready to be unleashed.

[MONSTER ROAR] WIL WHEATON: Make the Kraken do his Krakening. GREG ZESCHUK: His stuff. I’ll keep those threes. They seem pretty good. WIL WHEATON: Yeah, sure.

GREG ZESCHUK: I want some energy.

Let’s see. Last roll. Ah, I did end up hitting– WIL WHEATON: Two energy cubes. GREG ZESCHUK: Thank you.

WIL WHEATON: You punched Gigazaur. Gigazaur laughs at you. GREG ZESCHUK: So I’m up to 10. WIL WHEATON: Gigazaur feel like someone walk by too close, perhaps rub him with Bernoulli effect. GREG ZESCHUK: It was my tentacle rub, the special tentacle rub.

WIL WHEATON: Oh, that’s fantastic. CRAIG BENZINE: That sounds wrong. WIL WHEATON: Normally, I’d pay extra for that. [LAUGHTER] WIL WHEATON: Gigazaur accept your happy ending. TOTALBISCUIT: Mecha Dragon does not understand the gist of happiness.

WIL WHEATON: Of course he doesn’t. TOTALBISCUIT: Naturally. WIL WHEATON: Maybe that’s why he’s so angry.

GREG ZESCHUK: He’s all grumpy over there, that– WIL WHEATON: Wow, that’s a lot of energy. TOTALBISCUIT: It is.

GREG ZESCHUK: Nice start of energy. TOTALBISCUIT: Mecha Dragon is doing rather well in this regard. WIL WHEATON: What? TOTALBISCUIT: Mecha Dragon is doing really well in this regard. WIL WHEATON: Whoa, whoa!

TOTALBISCUIT: Read ’em and weep. CRAIG BENZINE: That is– WIL WHEATON: Yeah, that’s six freaking energy. TOTALBISCUIT: That was a fantast– I mean, that was entirely part of the plan. And see, it’s lain out before you. Gaze upon it, for you will not see its like again.

Which will, of course, when added to this– WIL WHEATON: One, two, three, four– are you gonna buy yourself a nova breath? TOTALBISCUIT: It would be wonderful if I did, wouldn’t it? WIL WHEATON: All right.

TOTALBISCUIT: There you go. WIL WHEATON: One nova breath.

CRAIG BENZINE: I was saving for that. OK, here goes King. All right. OK. Well, I want to heal myself a little bit.

WIL WHEATON: Yeah. CRAIG BENZINE: And I want to attack. WIL WHEATON: All right. CRAIG BENZINE: All right, OK. Gonna heal myself a little more.

WIL WHEATON: Gigazaur almost distracted from checking GigaTwitter by your feeble move. CRAIG BENZINE: GigaTwitter. Ooh. All right. GREG ZESCHUK: What’s that?

CRAIG BENZINE: I’m attacking two and healing two. WIL WHEATON: So go ahead and heal yourself two. Oh, Gigazaur almost make typo but catch it with autocorrect, ha ha ha. Gigazaur just measured downtown Tokyo for new drapes.

So, uh, Gigazaur gains two points.

Gigazaur has eight points now, aaagh. Gigazaur roll dice. Let’s see. Gigazaur have points. Gigazaur punch you in face!

Wow, hearts, that’s super great, dice. Gigazaur get three points. Gigazaur punch everyone one time. Gigazaur have 11 point. GREG ZESCHUK: Let’s see if my no-strategy strategy will continue.

I’m amassing energy. TOTALBISCUIT: It’s working so well for you so far.

GREG ZESCHUK: I got 10 and nine. That’s not so bad. WIL WHEATON: Oh, you make three punch now.

CRAIG BENZINE: That ain’t good. TOTALBISCUIT: What is Gigazaur’s current health? WIL WHEATON: Gigazaur’s hurting Gigazaur’s gonna have three health after this turn. Gigazaur’s hating life. GREG ZESCHUK: I could take you down to one.

TOTALBISCUIT: That would be a wonderful idea. WIL WHEATON: You could. GREG ZESCHUK: OK, that’s what I’ll do. WIL WHEATON: You’re gonna do that? GREG ZESCHUK: I need my two energies to get my little gummy energies out.

WIL WHEATON: Here you go.

There’s your energies. GREG ZESCHUK: I’ll make some kind of bubbling attack sound. Bloo, bloo, bloo! WIL WHEATON: Oh, oh, ow, ow.

Gigazaur drop oversized cell phone on building, crush it down to dust. GREG ZESCHUK: Three. WIL WHEATON: Gigazaur is sad. Gigazaur know what it like to feel feelings. You’re back in Tokyo.

TOTALBISCUIT: Well, let’s give it a bash, shall we? Well, my massive plan of doing damage to you is failing thus far. Hmm. GREG ZESCHUK: The problem, though, is you can actually kill him, because you hit everyone, don’t you? TOTALBISCUIT: Yes.

My plan is to assassinate. WIL WHEATON: All you have to do is roll one punch, and I’m out of the game, and I’m dead. TOTALBISCUIT: So I’m just going to maximize that possibility. WIL WHEATON: I wish you wouldn’t. TOTALBISCUIT: Mecha Dragon has no feelings that he is aware of, which includes remorse.

How unfortunate. That’s actually a wonderful, wonderful amount.

WIL WHEATON: That’s really exceptionally bad for me. TOTALBISCUIT: That would be one damage. And now– CRAIG BENZINE: One minus one equals zero.

WIL WHEATON: Equals zero, yeah. TOTALBISCUIT: I was gonna say, I think even Gigazaur could do that math. WIL WHEATON: I will be shockingly out of the game on my own show. TOTALBISCUIT: That would be unfortunate. WIL WHEATON: But I believe you have one more roll coming to you.

TOTALBISCUIT: You would be correct. Energy and heart. WIL WHEATON: Wow TOTALBISCUIT: Wonderful. WIL WHEATON: All right. So Gigazaur is dead.

TOTALBISCUIT: Yes he is. WIL WHEATON: I’m out of the game. My energy goes back there. We all knew it was gonna happen. GREG ZESCHUK: I take one and yield, so you’re into the middle now.

WIL WHEATON: OK. TOTALBISCUIT: Well, it was great to game with Wil Wheaton, but I soon tired of him and had to make sure that he shuffled off this mortal coil. WIL WHEATON: OMG, dead now, #notking. You know, I could just start drinking beer now because it doesn’t matter. GREG ZESCHUK: Yeah, yeah, actually, I thought the exact same thing.

CRAIG BENZINE: I wanna die.

TOTALBISCUIT: That can be arranged. WIL WHEATON: Somebody bring the executive producer a drink. GREG ZESCHUK: Preferably hoppy, I think. WIL WHEATON: That’s an excellent idea.

I will call it Gigazaur Double IPA. I will use a lot of high alpha hops. I will dry hop it three times. And it will kill you before you finish drinking it. CRAIG BENZINE: All right, I have to roll.

GREG ZESCHUK: We’re gonna roll while we wait. TOTALBISCUIT: That’s a good idea. WIL WHEATON: Make this happen. CRAIG BENZINE: OK. TOTALBISCUIT: What is it with you and points?

CRAIG BENZINE: I’m gonna– GREG ZESCHUK: How many points are you on? CRAIG BENZINE: I’m taking those points. WIL WHEATON: 14. CRAIG BENZINE: That doesn’t need to be public information. WIL WHEATON: 15, 16.

He’s at least 16. TOTALBISCUIT: I don’t like this. CRAIG BENZINE: OK, hmm. I’m going to take the energy. WIL WHEATON: Yeah, good move.

CRAIG BENZINE: Yup. OK.

I get– I attack one to you. TOTALBISCUIT: I can accept that. CRAIG BENZINE: OK.

WIL WHEATON: You accept his attack? CRAIG BENZINE: That’s very gracious accepting of my attack. WIL WHEATON: Will We kindly not attack? CRAIG BENZINE: Usually, when I punch people in the face, they’re not that accepting. I do like to punch people.

TOTALBISCUIT: Does Mecha Dragon need that? CRAIG BENZINE: I’m grabbing that card right there. TOTALBISCUIT: That seems like a character flaw. CRAIG BENZINE: That’s plus three points, so I’m at 19. GREG ZESCHUK: That’s not very good.

CRAIG BENZINE: That’s very good. GREG ZESCHUK: No, it’s not very good. TOTALBISCUIT: I suggest we attempt to get a hold of the shrink ray.

I don’t really think it matters who gets it. And we reduce the number of dice.

And we under no circumstances let Mecha Dragon leave Tokyo. GREG ZESCHUK: Well, actually, the problem that’s going to happen is all you need to do is roll like three ones, three twos, or three threes. TOTALBISCUIT: There’s not a lot we can really do about that. CRAIG BENZINE: I’m a little worried that they’re trying to kill me with their scheming back and forth. But looking at what they have, I think it’s going to be difficult for them to find a way to kill me in time.

Because I only need one more point. GREG ZESCHUK: OK, I got a new plan.

I’m going to wipe those and see if we can get something that can deal with him. TOTALBISCUIT: Ah, OK. Please, if you’re going to hit me, like, hit me twice so I can get some energy.

CRAIG BENZINE: The King is a benevolent ruler, guys. WIL WHEATON: That’s not what I heard. GREG ZESCHUK: Come on, energy. OK, I got two energy now. And then ah, four energy.

So I need– oh, and I hit you, sorry. It was inadvertent. WIL WHEATON: You are so Canadian. You have to say sorry when you hit him. All right.

The board has been wiped, and now there are new cards out. TOTALBISCUIT: This is a great plan to stall for time before he rolls five ones and wins the game. GREG ZESCHUK: You know, it was quite a victory. I’m laying it down right now. CRAIG BENZINE: You already think I win?

TOTALBISCUIT: Oh yeah. CRAIG BENZINE: I like your confidence. He’s trying to get on my good side for when I’m ruler. I’m really nice. TOTALBISCUIT: Is it working?

GREG ZESCHUK: My tentacle massages are exceptional.

TOTALBISCUIT: Hmm. The mailed fist comes down on the table for perhaps the last time. Hmm. I like damage.

Well, that was absolutely hopeless. All right, one more. GREG ZESCHUK: King of Tokyo on points, impressive. WIL WHEATON: Yeah, that’s a weird thing to– TOTALBISCUIT: Good lord, that is absolutely– WIL WHEATON: Have you even been to Tokyo? Bro, have you even been to Tokyo?

CRAIG BENZINE: I’m going to own it. WIL WHEATON: I will tell you right now that Wheezy’s going to win this game. He is the King. The game is called the “King of Tokyo.” We are all redshirts for Wheezy.

GREG ZESCHUK: Do your worst. CRAIG BENZINE: I think it could be over right here. WIL WHEATON: You’re just gonna roll a bunch of hearts. TOTALBISCUIT: Do we have any Wiccan here who can just curse the dice? WIL WHEATON: I’m a wizard.

CRAIG BENZINE: Then why did you die already? GREG ZESCHUK: It’s all part of the plan. WIL WHEATON: I came back to life! Hello, I’m back in the game with 11 points.

GREG ZESCHUK: It’s like you show up at the end of the movie.

WIL WHEATON: You’re talking pretty big words for someone with only [INAUDIBLE]. TOTALBISCUIT: Ah. GREG ZESCHUK: Oh. TOTALBISCUIT: The only time in the game he ever wants to roll ones, and he gets it. CRAIG BENZINE: I will be a benevolent ruler.

Those below me shall prosper, only as long as they do what I say. WIL WHEATON: Gigazaur no king Tokyo. No hot sexy single in Gigazaur area want hook up. GREG ZESCHUK: Hey, you just won the game! CRAIG BENZINE: I just won the game!

GREG ZESCHUK: All hail the king. WIL WHEATON: Who’s the king of Tokyo? [MONSTER ROAR] WIL WHEATON: I’m really the only loser in this game. Like, I’m the only monster who died. You guys are still alive, right?

So you’re not really losers. You’re actually junior winners. So you guys actually get to go sit in the Junior Winners’ Lounge. Yeah, this was built last season at great expense.

But we never felt that we had contestants who were sort of worthy of the Junior Winners’ Lounge.

So head down the hallway. You cannot miss it. It is all for you. GREG ZESCHUK: Drinks, beer? TOTALBISCUIT: That’s nice.

WIL WHEATON: As far as you know, it has all those things in it. GREG ZESCHUK: Wow. TOTALBISCUIT: That’s fantastic. GREG ZESCHUK: Thank you. WIL WHEATON: Yeah.

You’re very welcome. Now if you could get off my couch, that would be great. GREG ZESCHUK: All right. It’s an actual lounge. Might as well make it work.

TOTALBISCUIT: Ah.

Worst ending ever. GREG ZESCHUK: Worst. Worst ending ever. Ah.

BOTH: Wheaton! WIL WHEATON: The TableTop Certificate of Awesome. CRAIG BENZINE: Woo! That’s nice. WIL WHEATON: That’s for you.

And hang on. I’m going to make it just a little bit more fancy by putting an official seal on it so you know that it’s real. CRAIG BENZINE: Can I draw a beard on that later? WIL WHEATON: You sure can. CRAIG BENZINE: OK.

WIL WHEATON: You can do whatever you want because it’s your certificate of awesome. Congratulations. Would you like to make a speech? CRAIG BENZINE: I just want to thank you for dying in the middle of the game. WIL WHEATON: You are welcome.

CRAIG BENZINE: And I want to thank everyone else for not getting the points before me. WIL WHEATON: And they also say you are welcome. Congratulations. And thanks a lot for coming to play on the show. CRAIG BENZINE: Thanks for having me.

WIL WHEATON: Until next time, play more games. And we will see you right back here on “TableTop.” [MUSIC PLAYING]